Don’t spend money having your shirts laundered.
Donate them to a charity shop, then when they’ve cleaned them, buy them back.
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I can't see the point of going to a lap-dancing club.
If I wanted a woman who would take my money and sexually frustrate me, I would get married.
I'm so broke, I don't even get excited when I find money because I'm sure I owe it to someone.
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How much money did the bronco have?
Only a buck!
Why do people like to borrow money in Alaska?
Because they have Fairbanks!
Q: What's the best way of investing your money?
A: Alcohol, where else do you get 40%?
Bill Gates once asked Chuck Norris to be his personal body guard for an hour, he couldn't afford it...
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A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, “I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks.”
He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets.
He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.
He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house.”
Jesus saves.
But wouldn’t it have been better if he had invested?
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"
I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
The psychiatrist asks his patient: "Do you really think that you are a horse?"
The patient: "Yes."
The Doctor: "Ok, it will be a long and expensive therapy."
The patient: "It's ok, I have enough money."
Doctor: "And how it is possible?"
The patient: "Because I have won three times horse races."