Marriage is bit like having a meal at a self-service buffet: you get exactly what you want, but when you see what another man’s got on his plate you fancy a bit of that as well.
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I was married to a Gemini she caught me cheating on her with herself.
We were happily married for one month, but unfortunately we've been married for 10 years.
Two friends talking:
"What's up?"
"My wife left me for my best friend.."
"I thought I was your best friend..."
"Now he is."
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that, as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house.
Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
Q: What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year the dog is still happy to see you.
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted excitedly, "Honey, pack your bags.
I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God!
What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said, "Just get out."
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Vote:
An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in a honeymoon suite.
All night long, the bellboy hears laughing and clapping sounds from their room.
The next morning, he asks the old man how he can do it all night at his age.
The husband replies, "First, I remove my clothes. Then, I lie down on the bed face up. Then, my wife removes her clothes and lifts up my penis with one hand, and we make a bet. If it falls to left when she lets go, I win; if it falls to right, she wins."
The bell boy asks, "Well, what if it doesn't fall?"
"Then we both win," says the old man.