What’s the difference between your wage packet and your trouser packet? You don’t have to beg a woman to blow your wage packet.
Budgeting: When you work out that the money you owe is exactly the same as the money you spent.
Man, to friend, ‘My wife makes terrible demands for money. Two weeks ago she asked for £50. Last week she wanted £100, and yesterday it was £150.’ Friend, ‘What does she do with it all?’ Man, ‘I don’t know. I never give her any.’
If you think nobody care if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
Uncle gives little Johnny a £5 note for his birthday. ‘Spend it carefully,’ says Uncle. ‘Remember – a fool and his money are soon parted.’ Little Johnny replies, ‘Well you certainly handed it over fast enough.’
Johnny collected lots of money from trick or treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate. ' You should give that money to charity,' said the shopkeeper. 'No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity!'
Barnum & Bailey was transferring the circus from one town to another. The elephants were connected trunk to tail. They came along a railroad crossing and as the elephants were halfway across the tracks, a train came along and killed two of them. Shortly thereafter, B&M Railroad received an invoice from Barnum and Bailey for $10,000. B&M immediately called Barnum & Bailey and requested an explanation for the charge, writing, "What is the cost of a new elephant?" Barnum & Bailey responded, "$1,000 each." B&M responded, "But, we only killed two of them!" Barnum & Bailey said, "Yes, but you pulled the assholes out of eight others."
What’s six inches long, two inches wide and drives women wild? A fifty-dollar bill.
If you want to know God’s opinion of money just look at the people He gave it to.
Q: Have you heard about McDonald's new Obama Value Meal? A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.