Man to friend: ‘When did you first realise your wife had stopped loving you?’
Friend: ‘When she pushed me through the window, and wrote for an ambulance.’
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I had two women in my bed the other day.
I got home from work and discovered my wife is having a lesbian affair.
Wife:"I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband:"You have perfect eyesight."
Q: What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%?
A: Her wedding cake.
I live like a medieval knight.
Every night I go to sleep with a battleaxe at my side.
A girl started noticing a guy who stands in front of her home everyday in the evening.
She noticed the guy always comes mostly in the evenings and weekends.
The guy never tried to talk to her nor showed any gesture, he just moves here and there by looking into his mobile phone and occasionally stealing a stare at her.
It went on like that for a year and the girl understood the guy was in love with her but was too shy to express his feelings.
So, she told her parents.
They too saw him and liked him.
They discussed with her grandparents about a likely marriage.
But wanted her to make the first move.
The next day, she went to him and said, Hi. I'm Jada.
He said, Hi. I'm Smith.
Hearing this, the girl was very happy as the names were matching like Will Smith and Jada Pinkett.
The girl went on and said, I really appreciate your patience and decency.
You have been standing in front of my home everyday for about a year now.
So, I understand that you are in love with me but too shy to say it.
I think i really like you too and would love it if we get married.
The guy smiled and said, Forgive me sister! Actually your home's WIFI doesn't have a password. So, i come here every evening after work to use free wi-fi to chat with my girlfriend.
Husband takes the wife to a disco.
There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says: "Looks like he’s still fucking celebrating!!"
Wife comes out of a beauty salon and asks husband:
"So, how do I look?"
"Well, at least you tried..."
My wife is temperamental.
Fifty per cent temper and 50 per cent mental.
Priest to woman: ‘I don’t think you’ll ever find another man like your late husband.’
Woman: ‘Who’s going to look?’
An old woman buys herself some bright red crotchless panties and goes home to surprise her husband.
When her husband comes home, she calls him into the bedroom and points to her new panties.
"Hey old timer," she says, "come and get some of this!"
The old man says, "Hell no, woman. It done ate a hole in your drawers!"