A married couple had gotten into an argument and for many days had not been talking to each other. Instead they were writing notes back and forth. One evening the husband walked up to the wife and handed her a note that said, “Wake me up tomorrow at 6 in the morning.” When he woke up the next morning it was 9. He immediately got angry with his wife and turned around to speak to her. On her pillow was a note that said, “Wake up, it’s 6!”
My husband and I married for better or worse. He couldn’t do better and I couldn’t do worse.
A woman was telling her friend , "It was I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire".
Two guys were out fishing on the lake when a hearse and funeral procession passed the boat on a nearby road. One of them stood up and held his fishing hat over his heart as the hearse passed. His buddy commented, "Gee, Harry, that was really nice and respectful!" To which Harry replied, "Well, after all we were married 40 years."
A priest and a nun were on a mission trip up in the mountains when a snowstorm Came up. They saw an abandoned log cabin and went inside. The priest started a fire in the fireplace and found blankets and a sleeping bag but only one bed. The priest told the nun that she could sleep on the bed and he would sleep in the sleeping bag in the floor. As they were alone and beginning to get settled. The young nun said, "father?" in a song-song voice. He answered, "yes, sister?" "I'm cold." The priest got up and went to the closet and got another blanket and covered the nun. As he was settling back into his sleeping bag, she again said, "father?" "Yes, sister?" "I'm still cold." The priest got up and got another blanket from the closet and added it to the sisters' bed, tucking her in. He climbed back into the sleeping bag. Just as he was getting settled and the fire was crackling she called out to him again. "I'm still cold!" He said, "sister?" "Yes?" "We are all alone out here in this cabin in the mountains." "Yes, we are!" "Just this once... Yes? Just tonight... yes? Do you want to pretend that we are married?" "Oh yes! I do!" "Ok... get up and get your own dang blanket!"
Marriage is not a lottery – you get a chance in a lottery.
A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!" Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing. He found her to be possessive and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence.
A wife wanted an expensive fur coat from the executive husband to celebrate their Silver wedding anniversary. The miser overbearing rich husband rejected the expensive but affordable demand. He said, "You grow the hair on your chest and I will give you fur coat to cover it." The wife was out of control with anger. She pulls up her skirt, drops and throws her panties and pushes her hairy pubic area forward. She said, "There! I have the hair on my chest, now buy me that damn coat!" "That’s not your chest, that is your pussy!" husband screamed back. "Oh yes that is my chest all right" she yelled back. "While we were dating this was your chest of hope. We got married and on our honeymoon you used to tease me it was your chest of pleasure. Then I started bearing children and it became your chest of family, and damn it. If you don’t buy me that fur coat, it is going to be the community chest of public."
A guy goes fishing every Saturday morning. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long. Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes. As he is coming out of his garage rain is pouring down, it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?"