‘My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money; watch your health.”
So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money.
It was my grandfather.’
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Many people get valuable furniture on hire purchase, it’s not that expensive when they buy it, but by the time it’s paid for they’re usually antiques.
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?”
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t heard the question.
“Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.”
“Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.”
Q: What travels at 200km's a hour?
A: A Mexican hearing a dollar drop to the ground.
How to tell who is Jewish in your class, drop a penny and see who gets their first.
Fred: Thank you so much for lending me that money.
I shall be everlastingly in your debt.
Harry: That's what I'm afraid of!
Chuck Norris doesn't have an ATM PIN – the machine just spits out cash – at every bank!
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If I won the Lottery, I wouldn’t be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs.
I’d make my boss’s life a living hell for a week or two first.
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:
"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.
If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.
Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
Q: How do you kill 1000 Jews at once?
A: Throw a dollar off a cliff.