A man is on his deathbed. ‘Grant me one last wish, my dear,’ he gasps pitifully to his wife. ‘Six months after I die I want you to marry Joe.’ ‘But I thought you hated Joe,’ says his wife. ‘I do,’ says the man.
This couple had been going out together for quite a while and was thinking about getting married. They finally decided to spend a night in a motel to see if they were sexually compatible. The next morning he dropped her off at her apartment and he said, "So long Lucy." She said, "Goodbye, Shorty."
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Doctor, my husband is 300% impotent. "I'm not quite sure what you mean. Could you elaborate?" "Well, the first part you can imagine, but he also burned his tongue and broke his finger."
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
Q: What are the three rings of marriage? A: The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
Two coworkers were talking by the water fountain one guy said, "Today I got through the first step of getting divorced." The second guy replies, "Oh, did you go to Mr. Guggenheim? Everyone goes to him for divorces." The first man replies, "No, I just got married".
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
An angry man is coming home and shouts to his wife, "I know everything!" His wife reacts right away, "Is that so? Then tell me please. Who is the fifth highest peak in the world?"