What would you call a drunk who works at an upholstery shop? A recovering alcoholic.
Q: How many men does it take to open a Budweiser bottle? A: none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
"Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. "It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!" "I'm glad to hear you say that," replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief. "Everybody else says it's all my fault!"
A man enters a store and says: "15 litres of wine please." "Did you bring a container for this? " "You're speaking to it."
An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way, buddy, you're too drunk." A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom. Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time, you're too drunk" Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk" The drunk scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing."
What’s the difference between a straight woman and a bisexual woman? 4 drinks.
Whiskey is a great drink – it makes you see double and feel single.
Q: What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much? A: A beer-a-cuda!
A female police officer arrests a guy for drunk driving. While reading him his Miranda Rights, the female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can and will be held against you." "Boobs," the drunk replied.
Man: I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time. Fields: A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy
A snail goes into a bar and orders a beer. The barman says, "sorry we don't serve snails" and throws him out. A couple of weeks later the snail goes into the bar again and says,"What did you do that for!?"