The three words most hated by men during sex: ‘Are you done?’
The three words most hated by women during sex, ‘Honey, I’m home!’
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Q: How is spinach like anal sex?
A: Chances are if you're forced to have it as a child you are probably going to hate it as an adult.
Q: Why don't Canadians have group sex?
A: Too many thank-you letters to write afterwards.
Peter: "Your secretary is very sexy..."
Tony: "Thanks! It's a robot actually, named 'Maria'. If you squeeze her right boob, she takes dictation & if you squeeze her left boob, she types letters! I'll Lend it to you for a day & you can see her functions..."
Next day Peter called Tony from hospital & shouted: "You bastard!"
You didn't tell me that the "HOLE" between Maria's legs is a pencil sharpener.
Vote:
You work at a corner store and a hot girl walks in.
You ask for her number and she gives you a piece of paper with her phone number and address.
She tells you to take her out today.
She leaves and you tell your boss that you're going to f*uck the sh*t out of her and how you're going to rock her world.
You go to her house and your boss is in the kitchen and the girl tells him, big daddy.
You run out as fast as you can.
You go to work the next day and the girl is there waiting for you and tells you that it's over between you two.
Your boss asks you why didn't you go through with it.
You tell him you thought you would be mad and fire me if you knew I was talking about your daughter.
Your boss says I'm not her father in her Plummer.
You ask him why she called him daddy.
He says because that's my first name.
After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman’s nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
She whispers in his ear: "That’s me before the surgery."
A guy is late to meet with his friends at the local bar the friends obviously ask why he is late and he responds:
"Wow, you won't believe what just happened. So I take the usual route via the rail tracks and suddenly I see a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks."
The friends are curious and ask: "Well, what happened next?"
The guy says: "Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her."
The friends are cheering and one friend asks: "Soo... did you get any head?"
The guy says: "No, I couldn't find it..."
Vote:
Hillary Clinton isn't taking the loss very well.
So I said to her, Cheer up!
At least you won't have to work at the same desk that Monica spent so much time under.
In bed my girlfriend used to mentally dress me.
On the other day in a cemetery, I saw a woman who was rubbing her ass to a grave.
When I asked the reason, she answered: "It was my husband when he was alive; always he told me: 'Your ass is so sweet whenever any dead man touches it he'll be alive!'"