He: So then, what's your sign? She: Dollar.
Doctor: "Tell your wife not to worry about the slight deafness. It is only an indication of old age." Husband: "Doctor, would you yourself please tell this to her?"
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!" Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
I unfollowed Taylor Swift on Twitter... I'm sure she's gonna write a song about it.
Women prefer the simple things in life… like men.
Lifting weights have really helped me with the ladies - the last five I raped didn't stand a chance.
A good looking woman walks into a bar wearing a tube top. She raises her hand to signal the bartender for a beer, revealing that she does not shave her armpits. Meanwhile, a sloppy drunk on the other side of the bar signals the bartender, "Buy that ballerina over there a drink on me." The bartender replies, "What makes you think she's a ballerina?" "Because," answers the drunken man, "any chick that can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina."
Josh: What do you call a blonde in an institute of higher learning? John: A visitor.
Lady goes to her doc. "Doc, I have quite the problem. I can't control my gas. All day long I'm farting and farting. The only good news is they are the 'silent but deadly' type. The Doc pauses for a moment and replies, "first let's get you fitted for a hearing aid."
Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman. Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing. Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, “Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!” “Dear God! Did you try to stop him?” “No,” she said, “I did better than that! I got the license plate number!”
A road crew supervisor hired a nice-looking blonde woman to assist with painting the yellow line down the middle of the road. He was skeptical about hiring her, but she appeared enthusiastic and told him that she really needed the job. He explained to her that her work day would be to complete 2 miles of line on her road, and he set her up with her brushes and paint and got her started. After the first day, he was pleased to find that she did an excellent job and was able to paint 4 miles of road in her 8 hour shift. He told her that she did an excellent job and how pleased he was with her progress. On the second day, she completed painting 2 miles of road. Her supervisor was surprised that on day one she had completed twice as much work, but did not say anything, as 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure she would pick up her speed again. On day 3 he was shocked to learn that in her 8 hour shift, she only completed painting 1 mile of road. He called her into his office and asked her what was the problem, “On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road. Can I ask you, what is the problem?” “Well, she replied, I keep getting farther and farther from the paint can.”