Joke #4718

What has four legs but can't walk? A chair.
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What happened when the cannibal ate the speaking clock? It repeated on him.
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Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wife's side. "Sleep now, it's all right," he told her. But she kept trying to sit up and said, "Honey, I really need to tell you something." Finally Jake let her get it off her chest. "Jake, honey, I need to tell you something before I die. During the last two months, I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father." "Don't worry about it," Jake said, "I already know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"
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Doc, I think I need to wear glasses Indeed you have to, you are in a bank.
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How do you know when an Asian breaks into your home? Your house is clean, your computer is fixed, and their still pulling out of your driveway.
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An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No, what?" The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him." "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must of shot the bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
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What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!
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I am often asked, "Is google a man or a women?" My simple answer is: It's a woman because it won't let you finish your sentence without making a suggestion.
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Q: Have you heard about McDonald's new Obama Value Meal? A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
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Q: Why are politicians like diapers? A: Both should be changed regularly and for the same reason.
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Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel Prize? He was outstanding in his field.
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