What has four legs but can't walk?
A chair.
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During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.
"You simpleton!" the officer barked.
"Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"
"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically.
"But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice.
And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches.
But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' - that did it!"
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches.
When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.
"Doc! I took our advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house
The only Christmas present Chuck Norris ever gives is allowing you to live.
Vote:
A old man was sitting in the front row at a town meeting, heckling the mayor as he delivered a long speech.
Finally the mayor could stand it no longer, so he pointed to the heckler and said, "will that gentleman please stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of the city."
"Well Mr. Mayor," the man said in a firm voice. "I voted against you in the last election."
If you make a list of 10 things Chuck Norris cannot do, he will appear at your house and perform them all.
Your life may be forfeit.
Vote:
Jesus walks into a hotel, rings the bell, and waits for the receptionist to come out.
He looks her dead in the eye, slams three nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"
Girl: What if a boy hugs me?
Mom: Say Don't
Girl: What if he kisses me?
Mom: Say stop.
The next day when the girl goes to school her boyfriend hugs and kisses her well so she says as her mother told her to do and she quickly said DON'T STOP!...
Where are you going for vacation this year?
I checked my budget and decided that I didn't get tired.
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing.
Except at a funeral.