Customer: Give me a hot dog.
Waiter: With pleasure.
Customer: No, with mustard.
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Q: What is a difference between "accident " and "tragedy"?
A: Suppose you with the family are beside a pool. You suddenly push your mother in law into the pool - so it's an accident. If she could swim and gets out, in that case, it's a tragedy!
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The government shutdown has officially lasted longer than any of Taylor Swift's relationships.
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A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''
3 Stages of Sex:
1. House Sex - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house, in every room.
2. Bedroom Sex - After you've been married for a while and you just have sex in the bedroom.
3. Hall Sex - After you've been married for many years, and you just pass each other in the hall and say, "F**k you!"
Texan: "Where are you from?"
Harvard Graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end sentences with prepositions."
Texan: "Okay — where are you from, jackass?"
How many mexicans does it take to build...
Oh shit, They're done!
A teenage boy overdosed on ten bottles of Viagra.
Not only is he lucky to be alive, he’s lucky not to have taken his eye out.
If you see me smiling, I'm probably thinking of doing something evil.
If I'm laughing, I've already done it.
Define "Egghead":
What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.