I'm going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
Google is setting up a new search engine to answer life's difficult and most complex questions with the response always being the same... Chuck Norris.
‘Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, “So, what did you think?”’ Steven Wright
Q: What do you call a woman with no a**hole? A: Divorced.
In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth... After that, everything else was Made in China.
Get to know your mate. If there's something you need to know about him, just ask him right up front. And choose the right moment because the fellas don't like opening up. Like, after intimacy, turn around, look him in his eye and say, "I've been wanting to know, what's your name?"
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday." On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? " "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison... '"
Q: Why is it good to have a Jewish car? A: It can stop on a dime, and pick it up for you too!
How many Wall Street protesters does it take to change a light bulb? None, they can't change a thing.
I'm actually glad that 2 Chainz mentions his name at the begin of every song. It gives me time to change the radio station.
Q: How do you find Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony? A: Look for sesame seed buns.