Joke #1863

I'm going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.

I know when god becomes angry. When teenage girls get pregnant and their parents exclaim, "Oh god! What have you done?!"

Man returning with his wife from guests. Drunk man drives car better than his sober wife. But there is only one problem, how to explain that to the policeman?

Three boys walk through the woods and suddenly hear cries for help. They follow the sound to the lake and see George W. Bush drowning. The boys jump into the water and drag him to shore. Bush asks the boys how he can repay them. The first boy says, "I want a boat." The second boy says, "I want a truck." The third boy says, "I want a nice tombstone." Bush asks, "Why is that?" The boy says, "Because when my dad finds out I helped save you, he's going to kill me."

Q: How do you find Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony? A: Look for sesame seed buns.

Man: When I bend my arm like this it hurts? Doctor: Well, stop doing it!

Taylor swift: so he calls me up and he's all like "I still love you" and I'm like... Wait, is this Connor, Patrick, Joe, Luca, Taylor, John, Cory, Toby, Jake, Garret, Eddie, or Harry?

Q. What is Snoop Dog's favorite weather? A. Drizzle

A man met a wonderful woman and became engaged to her. He called his mother to share his good news with her. He arranged to have dinner with his mother that evening so that she could meet his fiancee. When he arrived at her home, he brought along three women - a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. His mother inquired as to why he had brought three women, instead of just one. He replied that he wanted to see if his mother would be able to guess which one of the women was her future daughter-in-law. She looked at each one carefully and then replied: "It's the redhead." "How could you possibly have figured that out so quickly?" he inquired. She coldly replied, "Because I can't stand her."

The only Christmas present Chuck Norris ever gives is allowing you to live.

Q: Why did Mexico send only a couple thousand Mexicans to fight in the Alamo? A: Because they only had 4 trucks.