Joke #1863

I'm going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
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has 79.54 % from 738 votes. More jokes about: life

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A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: 1. Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy. 2. Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend. 3. And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
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has 75.63 % from 108 votes. More jokes about: bird, friendship, life, winter
After losing his fortune, a Texas oilman decided to spend his last twenty bucks at a whorehouse. He entered and promptly went up to the Madam and asked her what he could get for $20. The Madam gave him a lengthy stare and told him to go upstairs, last door on the left. He proceeded to march up the stairs and entered the room. To his shock and pleasure he saw a beautiful blonde waiting naked on the bed. So he tore off his clothes and jumped on and started pumping away for dear life. Upon orgasm he noticed that stuff started oozing out of her eyeballs. He runs down to the Madam to report this and she looks at him turns around and yells, "Hey Charlie....... The dead one's full again!"
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has 61.28 % from 95 votes. More jokes about: beauty, blonde, disgusting, life, money
What's the fastest thing in the world? A beer truck driving through an Indian reserve. What's the second fastest thing in the world? The Indians running after it.
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has 34.13 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: beer, life
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.
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has 78.85 % from 57 votes. More jokes about: life
Saying the same thing over and over again but expecting different results is called parenting.
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has 80.82 % from 108 votes. More jokes about: communication, family, kids, life
Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.
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has 74.21 % from 79 votes. More jokes about: geek, life, math, science
I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day. That seems like a strange place to put a call center.
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has 64.76 % from 29 votes. More jokes about: life
Two statues, male and female, faced each other in the city park for many years. An angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." The statues came to life and smiled at each other. They ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?" The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Giggling, the female statue said, "Sure, but this time, you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"
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has 80.83 % from 163 votes. More jokes about: animal, couple, disgusting, life, time
Gordan Ramsey:Theres more smoke in this kitchen than snopp dogg tour bus.
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has 71.56 % from 67 votes. More jokes about: celebrity, food, life, music
What do you call it when Miley Cyrus falls down? Hoe-Down.
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has 59.19 % from 15 votes. More jokes about: celebrity, life, music