I'm going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
What is the best type of ship? FRIENDSHIP!
What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common? They both like a tight seal.
An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, "If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" One day, the man abruptly dies. After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party. Her friends ask if she isn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave. The wife smiles, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!"
Q: How do you drown a hipster? A: In the mainstream.
Chuck Norris lives in a Roundhouse... And his favorite drink is punch...
Patient: "Doctor, do you think that I shall live until I am ninety?" Doctor: "How old are you now?" Patient: "40" Doctor: "Do you drink, gamble, smoke or do you have any other vice?" Patient: "No. I don’t drink. I don’t gamble. I don’t smoke. I have no vice." Doctor: "Then why do you want to live for another fifty years?"
Q: What is the most important rule in chemistry? A: Never lick the spoon!
That awkward moment when somebody is doing dishes and you put another dish in the sink.
The only Christmas present Chuck Norris ever gives is allowing you to live.
How do you know when an Asian breaks into your home? Your house is clean, your computer is fixed, and their still pulling out of your driveway.