Patient: Doc I keep on forgetting things.
Doctor: Since when did you have these problems?
Patient: What problems?
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Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House.
She has waited so long…
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don’t know about that."
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears…
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Oh! I really don’t want to do that."
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears…
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment about their mustache, and suddenly she is not your friend anymore...
Why wasn't Jesus born in Tennessee?
They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin...
A teenage boy overdosed on ten bottles of Viagra.
Not only is he lucky to be alive, he’s lucky not to have taken his eye out.
J: What did Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving day?
A: TWERKY!
Vote:
Women prefer the simple things in life… like men.
We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied,"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly. "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Nothing beats a woman with a beautiful singing voice.
Except for Chris Brown.