A man goes skydiving. After a fantastic free fall he pulls the rip cord to open his parachute but nothing happens. He tries everything but can't get it open. Just then another man flies by him, going UP. The skydiver yells, "Hey, you know anything about parachutes? The man replies, "No, you know anything about gas stoves?
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment about their mustache, and suddenly she is not your friend anymore...
It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's the fat.
The Dove Bar's like an 80-pound wad of chocolate on a toothpick. If you're not careful when you take it out of the package, you'll snap your wrists.
I want me a big black girl...the type of woman that sits in the car and it looks like it's got tinted windows.
You know you're ugly when you get handed the camera every time they make a group photo.
There was no Big Bang. Chuck Norris arm wrestled himself and the energy produced created the universe.
"Hey what's up?" "Nothing much.. converting Oxygen into Carbon dioxide." "How the hell do you do that?!" "Breathing... Dude."
Q: What is a difference between "accident " and "tragedy"? A: Suppose you with the family are beside a pool. You suddenly push your mother in law into the pool - so it's an accident. If she could swim and gets out, in that case, it's a tragedy!
When a married man says "I'll think about it", what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.
This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes Dad, what is it?" "Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife…"