Joke #4820

My colleague said to me, "I bet you can't see your dick when you look down in the shower." "No, just your daughter's head," I replied.

They were three men discussing how to make their wives to tell them if they cheated on them. The first guy says: "I go home after work at night, lie on the couch, turn on the television and ask: 'Woman you cheated on me today!' 'Who, me my husband? Could I ever do such a thing?' Pissed off as I am, I get up, put her down, punch her and in the end she can’t take it anymore and admits: 'I cheated on you with Nick…'" The secong guy says: "I do exactly the same thing. I punch her and finally she says: 'I cheated on you with Jake…'" The third guy says: "I have no problem at all. I go home, undress, put the sweat pants on, light my cigarette on, I go out to the balcony, see the neighbor spreading clothes and shout at her: 'Mary! You are a whore!' And then she starts saying: 'I’m a whore? Or your wife who sleeps with John, Mark, Peter…!'"

I think Bing could have totally crushed Google if they had called it "Bang". I mean, think about it.. "I BANGED Emma Watson last night."

Yo mama is so dirty when she jumped in the bath water the water jumped out and said "No I'm good."

Bloke in hospital with 60% burns, Dr. says, "Give him two Viagra." Nurse asks, "Do you think that will help?" Dr replies, "No but it will keep the sheets off his legs!"

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, "I’d calm down if I were you." The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don’t want to do that! I really don’t think you should make him mad." "Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. "‘What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He nearly killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?" The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, you don’t want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear…!"

Q: What did one boob say to the other boob? A: "It is nice to see you partner."

Friend: Dude, I can't stop dreaming about my crush. Me: Well imagine this... You're home alone, and your crush comes over to visit. Friend: Ok I can see it... Me: She walks into your room and you're just sitting there. Friend: Uh-huh.. I'm likin' this. Me: Ok. So she walks in front of you, takes her pants off. She's not wearing any underwear.. And then she sits on you. Friend: Oh-ho-hoo.. Whatta' naughty girl. Me: Yeah, ok. Don't get dirty on me. So she's sitting on you. And then... she starting shitting in you. Right then and there, you find out you're a toilet. Friend: I hate you...

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values. At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison. Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, ".....but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?" He said, "...Scr*w him...give him a dollar." The blonde then blushed and said, "....But the breakfast was my idea."

Their was a camel and elephant, the elephant said to the camel. "How come you have your t*ts on your back?" and the camel got offended so he told the elephant. "Well why do you have your d*ck on your face?"

Boy in the bath with his mum. Boy says, "Whats that hairy thing mum ?" Mum replies, "That is my sponge." "Oh yes," says the boy, "The babysitters got one, I've seen her washing dads face with it ."