Friend: Dude, I can't stop dreaming about my crush.
Me: Well imagine this... You're home alone, and your crush comes over to visit.
Friend: Ok I can see it...
Me: She walks into your room and you're just sitting there.
Friend: Uh-huh.. I'm likin' this.
Me: Ok. So she walks in front of you, takes her pants off.
She's not wearing any underwear.. And then she sits on you.
Friend: Oh-ho-hoo.. Whatta' naughty girl.
Me: Yeah, ok. Don't get dirty on me. So she's sitting on you.
And then... she starting shitting in you.
Right then and there, you find out you're a toilet.
Friend: I hate you... 
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A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.
As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup.
As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup.
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"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"