A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails.
A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."
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Crocodiles are easy.
They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder.
Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin (1962 - 2006)
Vote:
Teacher: Kids,what does the chicken give you?
Kids: Meat!
Teacher: Very good! Now what does the pig give you?
Kids: Bacon!
Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you?
Kid: Homework!
Q: What do you get if you mix a rabbit and a snake?
A: A jump rope!
Q:Where do you find giant snails?
A:On the ends of their fingers.
A guy rings his boss and says "I can't come to work today"
The boss asks why and the guy says "it's my eyes."
"What's wrong with your eyes?" asks the boss.
"I just can't see myself coming to work, so I'm going fishing instead..."
A man on a beach sees a shark near a child in the shallows.
Ignoring personal safety, he dives in the water and, with his bare hands, kills the shark.
He brings the tot to shore and is met with tumultuous applause from spectators.
"Geez, mate" says a reporter "You should get a medal. What part of Australia are you from?"
Modestly our hero says: "Actually I'm from England."
The next days newspaper headline says "Pommy mongrel kills child's pet"
Why didn’t the internet get any e-mail?
Because his e-dog kept chasing the e-postman.
A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection.
They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.
When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth.
The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.
The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity.
He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was.
The rabbit declared that he had the same problem.
Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.
The snake agreed and started by winding himself around the rabbit.
After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"
The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity and proceeded to return the favor to the snake.
After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"
Yo mama so ugly that when she delivered a little baby after birth the baby saw mum and screamed "It's a gorilla!".
Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage.
Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry.
Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days.
Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below.
As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.
One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where are we?"
The man yells back, "About a half mile from town."
Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist.
One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a lawyer."
The other says, "A lawyer! How do you know that?"
The first says, "That’s easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant."