A man wakes up and finds himself in a hospital room, one with only himself in it. He has no recollection of how he got there. While pondering it, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it. A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got the results back this morning. I'm afraid you have Avain flu, Ebola, and you're positive for HIV and hepatitis." Stunned, the man asks "Well, what's next!? What are you going to do?" The doc replies: "Well, for starters, we're putting you on a strict diet of only pizza." The patient asks: "Will that really help me, doctor?" "No", the doc responds. "But it's all we can fit under the door."
What goes: "Click-is that it? Click-is that it? Click-is that it?" A blind person with a rubix cube.
Did you hear that Princess Di was on the radio a couple of weeks ago? Yep, and on the dashboard, and on the window, and on the hood....
"My parachute did not work." Said no one ever.
How do you make a dead baby float? Take your foot off of it’s head.
Which is the only day you you are safe in a cannibal village? Sitter days (when they eat the baby-sitter instead)!
Why did the little girl fall off of her bike? Because she didn't have any arms.
Fred and DooDah go to their favorite lake to fish. After getting out on the water, DooDah hooks a huge fish, which pulls him overboard, and he drowns. Fred is brokenhearted and goes to tell DooDah's wife the news. She opens the door and hears Fred sing: "Guess who drowned in the lake today? DooDah! DooDah!"
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first. - Steve Irwin (1962 - 2006)
What do you call of 6 year old with no friends? A Sandy Hook survivor.
Doctor to patient: "Why are you nervous?" Patient: "Because this is the first item I am going to have An operation." Doctor: "But I am not nervous though this is going to be my first operation."