Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
If I could bring one dead person back to life I'd bring back Walt Disney. Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction...
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
Priest: Kim, do you take Kanye to be your lawfully wedded husband to love and cherish? Kim: I.. *Kanye grabs mic* Kanye: She do.
Paddy got a job as a road line-painter. He paints 5 miles on the first day, 2 miles on the second day and 1 on the third day. "You get worse and worse every day!" yelled his boss. "That is because the bucket gets further and further away every day." said Paddy.
What do you call a truck full of dildos? Toys for Twats.
What did the egg say to the boiling water? "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."
A Russian captain is trying to explain to his comrades the effects of atomic bombs: "Now, imagine 20 no, 40, no... a 100 cases of vodka and noone to drink them!"
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."