I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
What's the difference betwee Elton John and Princess Diana ? One's composing, the other is decomposing.
Q: What's the difference between Jesus Christ and a painting of Jesus Christ? A: It only takes one nail to hang a painting.
A Liberal died and a friend went around collecting for a fund for his funeral. A woman was asked to donate ten dollars. "Ten dollars?" she said. "It only takes ten dollars to bury a Liberal? Here's a hundred - go bury 10 of them!"
Q: Why are jelly beans alot like the world? A: Because everyone hates the black ones.
There was an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman working on the top of a cliff. The Englishman said, "If I have cheese in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off this cliff." The Scotsman said, "If I have jam in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff." The Irishman said, "If I have ham tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff." The next day, the Englishman had cheese, the Irishman had ham, and the Scotsman had jam. So they all jumped. At the funerals, the wives of the Scotsman and Englishman said, "Why didn't they just tell us they didn't like their sandwiches?" The Irish lady said, "I don't know why my husband jumped off the cliff. He made his own sandwiches."
A Jew, a German and an American walked into a small room. The Jew never came out.
Black Jokes are not funny I have a black guy in my family way up in my family tree. He's been hanging there for quite a while.
*Wakes up to wife and son screaming* Me: "What are you guys yelling about?" Them: "You're driving!"
A ship with 30 sailors and one woman strands on a desert island. After one month the woman says: "I can not proceed in this way." And she suicides herself. After another month, the sailors say: "We can not proceed in this way." And they bury the woman. The next month, the sailors say: "We can not proceed in this way." And they dig up the woman.
What's blue and flies around the room at high speeds? A baby with a punctured lung.