Joke #4885

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
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I'll never understand how you can come up second in a biathlon. I mean – you've got a gun, haven't you?
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Latecomer: Am I too late for the bonfire? Host: No jump up there on the sticks, there is room next to that Guy.
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Q: Why did the boy fall off the swing? A: He didn't have any arms.
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Q: Why are ghosts bad liars? A: Because you can see right through them!
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Lifting weights have really helped me with the ladies - the last five I raped didn't stand a chance.
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Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?" Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol... ." Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?" "Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost. Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?" "Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news." "Gimme the good news first," says Sol. Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven." Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?" Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
Vote: has 84.42 % from 390 votes. Send joke:

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Q: What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole? A: A pedophile.
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A pretty lady is standing on the side of a bridge, looking over it and thinking about jumping off. A homeless alcoholic man comes up to her as he was walking nearby. The lady notices the man coming and says: "Go away! There's nothing you can say to me to change my mind, you cannot help me." "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it" replies the man. "No way, you're disgusting, go away." The homeless man turns and starts walking away. The lady thinks: "Is that all you were going to say to me? Nothing more? Won't you try to convince me that life is worth living that I should not jump off? Where are you going?" The homeless man thinks: "I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm."
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A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''
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Q: Why do old Jews have outhouses? A: Because their afraid of the showers.
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