I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks. The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here." The second drunk says, "I'll tell you what's worse, this handrail is bloody low down"
Q: What happened to the entertainer who did a show for the cannibals? A: He went down really well!
Q: Why do old Jews have outhouses? A: Because their afraid of the showers.
Q: What do black people smoke? A: Niggerettes.
If you're scared of dying alone then become a bus driver.
Q: What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole? A: A pedophile.
Some people just need a hug… Around the neck… with a rope.
Q: Why is Al Qaeda more compassionate than pro-lifers? A: The 9/11 hijackers got to die instantly.
Q: What happened to Jesus when he said "Catch me outside, how bout dat"? A: He got crucified
Someone going to work sees a crowd of people walking. Looking at the beginning of course, he sees a coffin behind a gentleman with a little dog followed by the crowd. Approaching the owner and he asks him: "What happened here, man?" "Pff, my mother-in-law died," he said. "Hush how sad eh… And, if allowed, how?" "My dog bit her…" "You don't tell me! Could you lend him to me just for tonight?" "Get in line!"