I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Anal sex is like your first car - you dont really want it, but your dad gave it to you anyways.
What's red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding? A baby in a microwave.
Q: Why do old Jews have outhouses? A: Because their afraid of the showers.
What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common? Their last big hit was The Wall.
My wife and I have reached a decision that we do not want children. If anybody does please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive? Popeye almost killed him!
What does a skeleton say when he wants to eat? Bone appetit!
Came out the gym the other day and cop asked me how I got that body. I said, "I don't know officer, I just opened the trunk and there she was"
Why do orphans like playing tennis? Because it's the only love they get.
Why didn't the cannibal eat Mike Tyson? He thought he would give him a paunch!