Joke #4885

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

My aunt died, God bless her, at a ripe old age of 104. We called her Aunt Tique.

Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb? A: I don't know, there are twenty in my basement, and my basement light still isn't fixed.

What is the difference between turkey and mother-in-law? There is no difference: both are the best when they are cold on the table.

Are you lost, ma'am? Because Heaven's a long way from here.

These two guys are riding in a convertible down a road in the desert, the road runs alongside a railroad as they are driving, as they are driving a train goes past, on the train a guy is on the train, clutching his stomach and grunting, his buddy leans over, and asks him, "What the hell is wrong with you?" The guy replies, "I gotta shit real bad, and I can't reach the bathroom in time!" His buddy tells him "Hang your ass out the window, and let it fly." The guy hangs his ass out the window and the shi t flies back and hits the convertible. The guys in the convertible say "Damn, that guy on the train spit tobacco on us!" The guy asks his friend "Hey, pull over when the train stops and we'll find this guy and kick his ass". After he finishes talking the guy driving the car slows down. His friend says "Why are you slowing down, don't you wanna beat this guy up." His friend says "No!" The other guy says "Why". His friend says, "Number one, that is some of the stinkiest tobacco I've ever smelled, and number two, did you see the jaws on that son of a bitch!"

"Mommy, mommy, I found daddy!" "How often do I have to tell you not to dig around in the garden!"

Q: Why are ghosts bad liars? A: Because you can see right through them!

A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken. The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, "Nothing special really... We just tell them they're going to die..."

A man with no legs is lying on the beach, when three attractive blondes approach him. The first blonde says to him "I bet you've never been hugged before." The legless man shakes his head. Then the second blonde says, "I bet you've never been kissed before." The legless man shakes his head again. Then the third blonde says, "I bet you've never been fucked before." The legless man says, "No." The third blonde replies, "Well you are now because the tide is coming in!"

There is nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.