I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
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W: Where did Lucy go during the bombing?
A: Everywhere.
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Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: With a knife.
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A doctor from the inner city was conversing with an old friend from med school at a cafe when he said, "Man, can I tell you something?"
His friend nods. "Sure."
"Okay, so the other day I had this one really hot, foreign patient, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about her since..."
He goes on to tell his friend everything about her, from her long blond hair and ability to speak fluent French, to her shimmering blue eyes and soft skin.
His friend seemed more disgusted with each passing moment.
"Dude, that is not cool."
The doctor, indignant, defended himself.
"What's wrong with that? Lots of doctors are attracted to their patients."
His friend simply shook his head and replied, "Maybe, but I guarantee you none of those doctors were pediatricians..."
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Come on guys, I think we are a little tough on pedophiles, they have a hard time fitting in.
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What's black and red, wears high top Reeboks and cant go through a revolving door?
A nigger with a spear through his head.
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Q: Why does Luke Skywalker always ask for favors?
A: Because he needs someone to lend a hand.
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Someone going to work sees a crowd of people walking.
Looking at the beginning of course, he sees a coffin behind a gentleman with a little dog followed by the crowd.
Approaching the owner and he asks him:
"What happened here, man?"
"Pff, my mother-in-law died," he said.
"Hush how sad eh… And, if allowed, how?"
"My dog bit her…"
"You don't tell me! Could you lend him to me just for tonight?"
"Get in line!"
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Who may open the door without using hands, nor legs? An invalid.
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How can you help a starving cannibal?
Give him a helping hand.
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Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.
"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad.
Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."
Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"