Joke #4911

What happened when the shark became famous? He tured into a starfish.

Q: What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? A: If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

How do you go about hiring a horse? Try two pairs of stilts!

Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He's the Easter Bungee.

A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog. The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, “Hippocrates, come!” Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts. The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, “Sliderule, come!” Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie. The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called “Bullshit, come!” Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff. Bullshit immediately sodomised the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.

Lion wakes up in the jungle and finds that a tool is missing, he goes to elephant and asks "Have you seen my tool?" Elephant replies: "What does it look like?" Lion: "Well it's got four points on it." Elephant: "Sorry, I haven't seen it, try mouse." So the Lion goes to the mouse and asks "Have you seen my tool?" Mouse: "What does it look like?" Lion: "Well it's got four points on it." Mouse: "Sorry mate, I've not seen it, try croc." So the lion proceeds to the crocodile and asks "Have you seen my tool?" Croc: "What does it look like?" Lion: "Well it's got four points on it." Croc: "Sorry I've not seen it, try Jaguar." So the lion goes to Jaguar and asks "Have you seen my tool?" Jaguar: "Of course, I ate it." Lion: "Why did you do that?" Jaguar: "Well I'm a four point tool eater Jaguar."

What do you call a grizzly bear caught in the rain? (A drizzly bear!)

What is the feeling that you've smelled a certain skunk before? Deja phew.

Once, on the set of Walker Texas Ranger, a goat fell over dead. Chuck Norris ran up to the goat and beard rubbed it back to life.

What do you call a rabbit that plays with foxes? A dumb bunny.

A man and his little boy were walking through the park when a honeybee landed near them. The boy ran over and stomped on it. The father gave him a lecture about having respect for living things and added, "Just for that you can’t have any honey for two weeks!" Pretty soon a butterfly landed near them. The boy ran over and stomped on it. Again, the father gave him a lecture and added, "Just for that you can’t have any butter for two weeks!" When they got home, they went into the kitchen, and a cockroach ran across the floor. The mother ran over and stomped on it. The boy said to his father, "Well do you want to tell her, or shall I?"