A farm boy who had just finished his schooling on the farm, was sent by his Ma and Pa to the big city to go to college. The first thing the boy does when he gets to town, is go to find a whorehouse. He goes inside to talk to the madam about getting a girl. She leads him upstairs, opens the door to a room and tells him to sit and wait for the girl to arrive. After several minutes of anxious waiting, a young, blonde prostitute comes in. The boy is beside himself, and he leaps up from the bed, grabs the television, and throws it out the window. The girl thinks this is odd behavior, but she shrugs it off, and begins to undress. As she strips, the farmboy runs over, grabs the night stand and throws it out the window. Again the girl thinks this is odd, but being an experienced hooker, she figures it's a fetish and continues disrobing. The girl removes her panties, and with that, the farm boy grabs the entire bed and starts lugging it toward the window. The girl, figuring this is one even she hasn't heard of, finally asks, "What the hell are you doing?" The farm boy replies, "Ah ain't never been with no woman before but, if it's anythin' like fuckin' sheep, we gonna need all the room we can git."
One morning, while she was making breakfast, the local fitness freak walked up to his wife, pinched her on the bum and said, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." This was a bit over the limit, but she controlled herself and replied with silence. Next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast. "You know love if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bras." That was too far over the limit. She rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. Maintaining a vice grip, she whispered in his ear, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the pool man, the gardener and your brother."
Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner. Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game. "Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don’t fix it the food will go bad," Kate said. Paul yells back, "Who do I look like the GE man, I Don’t think so." A little while later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it’s out." "Who do I look like an electrician, I don’t think so," Paul says. A few minutes later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it." Paul quickly replies, "Who do I look like a carpenter, I don’t think so." Frustrated, he gets up and leaves. He decides to go to a bar down the road. After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home. He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed. He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed. He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed. Paul sees his wife and says, "Babe, how did you fix all this." She looked at him and said, "Well after you left I began to cry on the porch." A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help. He fixed everything. I asked him what I could do for payment." He said "I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him." Paul says, LWell, what kind of cake did you bake him?" Kate looks at him and replies, "Who do I look like Betty Crocker, I don’t think so!"
Q: Why does the easter bunny hide his eggs? A: He doesn't want anyone to know he's f**king chickens.
One day a guy and a girl were making out in her parents' bedroom, and it was getting pretty steamy. All of a sudden, the guy takes out his shlong and places it in her hand. She screams and runs downstairs, through the kitchen, through the living room, the bathroom, the dining room, back upstairs, through her bedroom, her bathroom, her sister's bedroom, down the hall and back into her parents' bedroom. "Listen, pal! I have two words for you -- DROP DEAD!" "I have two words for you -- LET GO!"
While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man’s balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the missing testicle with a pickled onion. Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup. “How’s your sex life?” asked the doctor. “Pretty good,” the man said, to the doctor’s obvious relief. But then the patient added, “I’ve had some strange side effects that are causing serious problems.” “What’s that?” the doctor asked anxiously. “Well, every time I urinate, my eyes water.” “Hmm,” said the doctor, thoughtfully. “That’s not all,” continued the patient. “When my wife does me orally, she gets heartburn.” “Hmm,” said the doctor, as his face reddened. “It gets worse, Doc. Now, every time I pass a hamburger stand….I get an erection!”
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible. Steve Martin
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives. Karen said, "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does." Joanne giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner, because of his incredible shaft." Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, "Well, what do you call your boyfriend?" Kathy frowned and said, "The postman." Looking puzzeled Joanne asked, "Why the postman?" "Because… he always delivers late and half the time it’s in the wrong box."
Nigel, a college student is talking to a friend. ‘Y’ know,’ he says. ‘I think my room-mate is queer.’ ‘Why d’you say that?’ asks the student. ‘Well,’ replies Nigel. ‘Every time I kiss him goodnight he shuts his eyes.’
A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby." The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby doctor? What's wrong?" The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite." The woman is confused. "A hermaphrodite..... what's that?" The doctor replies, "Well, it means your baby has the.......er......features....of a male and a female." The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh MY GOD! you mean it has a penis..... AND a brain.
Girl: I get horny everytime I hear something sexual, it's weird I know, but anyway, what's your name? Me: Sir BJ Anal The 69th.