A lady tells her husband, “My gynecologist said I can’t have sex for two weeks.”
He replies, “What did your dentist say?” 
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Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
A. They're called Dikes.
They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!
A guy walks into a drug store and asks for a packet of condoms.
The pharmacist says, ‘That’ll be £5.00 with the tax.’
‘Tacks?’, the guy exclaims.
‘I thought you rolled them on!’
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.
Yo mama so fat, when your dad tried eating your mom's pussy his head stuck in.
Little Johnny took sex ed and every day when little Johnny would come in from school he'll tell his dad for learning sex ed well one day we'll just come in and he said that I got thrown out sex ed Lil Johnny's daddy says how do you get thrown out sex ed Little Johnny said well Dad I got in trouble for eating during class.
The teacher had given the class an assignment.
He stressed the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses would be accepted except illness or a death in the immediate family.
A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"
The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."
In bed my girlfriend used to mentally dress me.
Mom was very upset when she found a bondage S&M magazine in her son's room.
She showed it to her husband when he got home.
He handed it back to her without a word.
She asked him, "Well, what do we do about this?"
"Well, whatever you do, don't spank him."
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What happened to the chinese man who walked into a wall with a boner?
He smashed his his nose.
Whats the Diffenence between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is when you tickle your girl friends ass with a feather.
Perverted is when you use the whole chicken...
A girl went into a doctors office with a Strawberry up her ass, The doctor said I've got some "Cream" For that.
Why was the washing machine laughing?
Because it was taking the piss out the underpants.
What do you do with a years worth of used condoms?
Melt them, turn them into tire and call it a goodyear.
What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
Your wife will always blow your bonus!
A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing nothing but a jamjar on his cock.
A lady asks "What are you dressed as?"
He says a fireman!
You break the glass, pull the knob and I'll cum as fast as I can.
One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car.
He willingly does so.
She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
He replies "BREASTS."
A Boyfriend texts his Girlfriend saying "Hey babe you wanna come over and have sex?"
Girlfriend texts back "Duh!"
So the girl goes over her Boyfriends house, and right before they get into it, he sets the boundaries.
"Ok, so my little brother is home, and I have bunk beds. He's on the bottom bunk.
If you want it harder, you say tomato.
If you want it faster, you say lettuce, and if you want to moan you say any other ingredients that would be on a sandwich."
So they're up on the top bunk having sex, and she's yelling "Tomato! Tomato! Lettuce! Lettuce! Cheese! Cheese!"
Well the little brother is still on the bottom bunk and yells "Hey can you guys knock it off, your getting Mayonnaise all over me!!!"