Joke #4984

If you can't say something nice, say it in French.

My skydiving instructor would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions. One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?" Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."

What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.

Customer: Give me a hot dog. Waiter: With pleasure. Customer: No, with mustard.

If you see me smiling, I'm probably thinking of doing something evil. If I'm laughing, I've already done it.

Taylor Swift waved at a boy yesterday and he didn't wave back... So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow.

About 4,000 years ago: God: "I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!" Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note* God: "Correction, I shall create a great flood!"

That awkward moment when you're about to hug someone sexy as hell and then you hit the mirror.

Doctor: "What seems to be your trouble?" Patient: "When I get up I feel dizzy for one hour." Doctor: "Try getting up one hour later."

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Yell at her.

What is the difference between pressure, anxiety and panic attacks? You have pressure when your wife is pregnant. You are anxious when your girlfriend is pregnant. You have panic attacks when both of them are pregnant!