How many Mafia hitmen does it take to light the bonfire?
Three, One to set fire to the effigy, one to watch his back, and one to shoot any witnesses.
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A young lad went to a tailor shop in Scotland.
He told the tailor, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here, and if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings."
A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop.
"Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of material left over. Take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."
The lad rushed home and donned his kilt.
He decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase.
Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to wear his underwear.
When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "Well, what'd ye think?"
"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.
"Aye, and if ye like it, y'ell really like what's underneath," he bragged as he lifted his kilt.
"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.
Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on, he exclaimed quite proudly, "Aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"
A dick has a sad life.
His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.
Q: What do you call an Asian family tree?
A: A rice bush.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
A reporter asked Chris Rock who do you think would win the presidency?
He said quickly Obama.
When asked why, he replied, has anyone ran a race with a Kenyan and won?
Me: What do you call someone who isn't sure if they like egg nog or not?
Wife: What?
Me: An Eggnogstic.
Wife: This is grounds for divorce.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
Because he couldn't afjord a new one!
I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "Has your plane arrived yet?"
You are so selfish!
You're going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night.