How many Mafia hitmen does it take to light the bonfire?
Three, One to set fire to the effigy, one to watch his back, and one to shoot any witnesses.
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Santa Clause, The Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy were all real at one time... then they met Chuck.
There can only be 1 living legend.
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Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes.
That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.
Q: Why do Republicans avoid living on the West Coast?
A: They're scared to live that close to the edge of the Earth.
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What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.
There’s one good thing about life.
It’s only temporary.
Q: How do you find Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony?
A: Look for sesame seed buns.
Before sex, you help each other get naked.
After sex, you dress only yourself.
Moral: In life no one helps you once you're fucked.
Without you I can't breath.
I love you so much my nose.
How do you describe an angry potato?
Boiling Mad.