What's red and dances all around?
A baby on a barbecue
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After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.
But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!
An apple and a black person both fall off a tree at the exact same time who hits the ground first?
The apple because the rope catches the black person.
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What do sick cannibals have for breakfast?
Vitamin bills!
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My Girlfriend wanted me to treat her like a princess for her birthday.
So I took her out, got her drunk, and crashed the car.
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I wish I could see things from your point of view, unfortunately I can't stick my head that far up my ass.
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Why is Hitler never invited to BBQ's?
He always burns the franks.
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Woman delivers baby.
Doctor takes the baby, and throws it, smashing around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc.
Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging "WHY!?"
Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says "I'm just fucking with you, it was born dead".
A man who wants to murder his wife goes in a pharmacy and asks for cyanide.
"I'm sorry sir, but I can't give you cyanide just like that."
Without a word, the man takes out his wife's photograph and holds it in front of him.
The pharmacist apologizes, "My mistake, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
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Q: What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve?
A: I haven't seen you for a year!
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How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard you throw them.
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