How are babies and the elderly alike? Both are fun to throw out of moving cars.
I was walking down the street to a video store last night to rent a porno movie when I saw a woman being raped. Saved myself a fiver.
A guy has a bad habit: He loves to hit pedestrians while he drives. So one day he's driving andsees an old lady with a cane and he decides to control his urge to swerve and hit her but he can't. Later, he sees a kid skating and can't resist hitting the kid. Finally, he decides he needs help from above so he goes to a church and asks the pastor for help. So after church, the pastor invites him to his house for lunch. They get in the car and start to drive down the street, and just as he starts to tell the pastor about his problem, he sees an old blind man walking down the street. He swerves toward him but misses, and the pastor says, "Don't worry. I got him with the door!"
Doctor to patient: "Why are you nervous?" Patient: "Because this is the first item I am going to have An operation." Doctor: "But I am not nervous though this is going to be my first operation."
I'm so broke, I don't even get excited when I find money because I'm sure I owe it to someone.
Q: What do pregnant teenagers and their unborn babies have in common? A: Both their moms are going to kill them!
Join the Army, meet some fascinating people, then kill them.
This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!
Q: What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? A: Getting her out of the wheelchair.
You might be a redneck if the Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.