My wife and I had been debating whether it was time to start a family when we saw a couple of cute kids, splashing and giggling in a paddling pool.
I looked at her and said, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
She smiled and said, "Yes, Gary..."
"That settles it, then," I replied. "We can't raise children if we're both paedos."
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Q: What did the deaf, blind, mute girl get for Christmas?
A: Cancer.
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What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is white, plastic, and dangerous to children.
You put groceries in the other.
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Seven friends once pulled this at my college cafeteria.
One put a hot water bottle filled with pea soup down his chest; he sat at the head of a table, with the other six friends sitting along the sides.
When the cafeteria was pretty full of people, he made a loud noise (to attract attention), stood up, bent over and squeezed his chest.
This caused a huge gush of green liquid to spew all over the table; the other six immediately began to eat this green liquid.
I think a lot of food went uneaten that night.
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Cannibals capture three men.
The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes.
Then they are each given a final request.
The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible.
His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family.
This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes.
Now it is the third man's turn.
He asks for a fork.
The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork.
As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"
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Latecomer: Am I too late for the bonfire?
Host: No jump up there on the sticks, there is room next to that Guy.
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Two cannibals were having lunch.
"Your wife makes a great soup," said one to the other.
"Yes!" agreed the first. "But I'm going to miss her terribly."
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Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
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Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
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How do you stop an Iraqi tank?
"Just shoot the guy that's pushing it!"
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Q: When does a pedophile go to sleep?
A: When the big hand touches the small one.
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