My wife and I had been debating whether it was time to start a family when we saw a couple of cute kids, splashing and giggling in a paddling pool.
I looked at her and said, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
She smiled and said, "Yes, Gary..."
"That settles it, then," I replied. "We can't raise children if we're both paedos."
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The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'
Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.
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Which is the only day you you are safe in a cannibal village?
Sitter days (when they eat the baby-sitter instead)!
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Patient: "Are you sure that you can do this operation safely?"
Doctor: "That is what I want to find out myself."
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Why do cannibals make suitcases out of people's heads?
Because they're headcases.
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The only church which is disseminating light and warmth is the burning church.
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Q: Why doesn't Mexico have any teams competing in the Olympics?
A: Because all of the Mexicans that can run, swim, and jump have left the country.
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Q: What's the difference between Santa Claus and Jews?
A: Santa comes down the chimney.
Who may open the door without using hands, nor legs? An invalid.
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Patient: "Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. What can I do?"
Doctor: "Use a pencil till I come to see your son."
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Q: What is the point of Jewish football?
A: To get the quarter back
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