How many dead babies can fit in a barrel?
4 1/2.
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Why did the semen cross the road?
Because I wore the wrong sock today.
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If you have a grief nobody feels,
If you have a pain nobody feels.
If your heart is broken nobody feels,
but if you fart all will understand.
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You might be a redneck if you think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
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Say, "Do I smell popcorn?" right after you fart.
So everybody takes a big whiff.
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Two old ladies are at the movies.
"Psst," says one old lady. "I think the guy next to me is beating off."
"What makes you say that?"
"He's using my hand."
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Q: What would Princess Diana be doing if she were alive today?
A: Clawing at the lid of her coffin.
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How do you f*ck a fat chick?
Roll her in flour and find the wet spot.
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Q: Why is diarrhea hereditary?
A: It runs in your genes.
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A guy finds his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth.
The rabbit is dead and the guy panics.
He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house.
He gives it a bath, blow dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"
The guy stammers and says, "Um... no... what happened?"
The neighbor replies, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!"
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A guy walks into a store.
He goes up to the clerk and holds up his hand.
In his hand he's holding a big pile of crap.
He looks at the clerk with the biggest expression of relief and says, "Whew, that was close. Look what I almost stepped in."
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