Q: What did Jeffrey Dahmer do after dumping his boyfriend?
A: He wiped.
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A pretty lady is standing on the side of a bridge, looking over it and thinking about jumping off.
A homeless alcoholic man comes up to her as he was walking nearby.
The lady notices the man coming and says: "Go away! There's nothing you can say to me to change my mind, you cannot help me."
"Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it" replies the man.
"No way, you're disgusting, go away."
The homeless man turns and starts walking away.
The lady thinks: "Is that all you were going to say to me? Nothing more? Won't you try to convince me that life is worth living that I should not jump off? Where are you going?"
The homeless man thinks: "I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm."
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A redneck boy runs into his house and proclaims, "I've found the girl that I'm gonna marry! And she's a virgin!"
Incensed, his father pounds his fist on the table.
"There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she aint' good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."
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An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra.
The doctor said, “That’s no problem. How many do you want?”
The man answered, “Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces.”
The doctor said, “That won’t do you any good.”
The elderly gentleman said, “That’s all right. I don’t need them for sex anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t pee on my shoes.”
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regular ass
(_!_)
fat ass
(__!__)
tight ass
(!)
flat ass
(_._)
bubble ass
(_^_)
sore ass
(_*_)
lop-sided ass
(_!__)
swishy ass
{_!_}
surprised ass
(_o_)
ass that's been around
(_O_)
kiss my ass
(_x_)
leave my ass alone
(_X_)
tired ass
(_zzz_)
wise ass
(_o^o_)
unlucky ass
(_13_)
money out the ass
(_$_)
dumb ass
(_?_)
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A married couple go to a restaurant.
A blonde waitress takes their order and returns several minutes later, carrying a plate with only a plain hamburger bun on it.
The man asks, "Where's the burger?"
The waitress lifts her arm and pulls out a burger from her armpit.
"I was keeping it warm," she replies.
The wife says, "Please cancel my hot dog order."
At a restaurant, one of the customers notices that all of the waiters have two spoons in their vest pockets.
A waiter explains, "We see that the most frequently dropped silverware is spoons, therefore we keep them for replacement."
Then the customer notices a string hanging out of all the waiters' flies.
"The string is for us to go to the bathroom," explains the waiter.
"That way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims straight, and we don't need to use our hands."
The customer asks, "Well, that's how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?"
The waiter replies, "Well, that's another reason we carry the spoons."
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Mommy, mommy, I don't want to visit grandma today!
"Shut up and keep digging, boy."
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Three men walk into a bar.
The barman tells them, "If you can sit in my basement for a day, I'll give you free beer forever."
The first man walks out after five minutes and says, "It's impossible, you got a swarm of flies in there."
So the second man tries his luck, but can't take more than an hour.
Finally, the third man goes down.
When he returns a day later, the others ask him how he did it.
He says, "Easy! I took a dump in one corner and sat in the other corner!"
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Malcolm: Miss Wilson can I go to the loo?
Miss Wilson: In two minutes Malcolm. Do your alphabet first.
Malcolm: Ok Miss Wilson. abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz.
Miss Wilson: Very good, Malcolm, but where's the p?
Malcolm: Miss, it's running down my leg!
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A waitress walks up to a man to take his order.
"I'd like to get the turtle soup, please."
The waitress walks off to go get his order, but the man changes his mind and decides he wants the pea soup instead.
"Hold the turtle, make it pea!"
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