Joke #5163

Never make the same mistake twice. There are so many new ones, try a different one each day.

Chuck can use "save" in real life. But he doesn't need it.

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing. But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

If life hands you lemons, break out the tequila!

Kim and Kanye naming their baby North West is just like Brad Pitt naming his kid Arm.

A hound dog lays in the yard and an old man in overalls sits on the porch. "Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" a jogger asks. The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, "Nope." As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger's legs. As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" The old man mutters, "Ain't my dog."

Justin Bieber got 100,000 retweets for tweeting "Live life full". That's just 3 random words. I'm going to try now. Jockstrap squirrel potatoes.

How do elves greet each other? "Small world, isn't it?"

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates." The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The Irishman replied, "These are Carol's"

What difference is between a man and Paris? The Paris remains Paris!