Joke #5163

Never make the same mistake twice. There are so many new ones, try a different one each day.
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Q:How do crazy people go through the forest? A:They take the psycho path.
Vote: has 71.43 % from 18 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: life
This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes Dad, what is it?" "Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife…"
Vote: has 74.28 % from 318 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: age, dad, doctor, jewish, life
Can I help you? No. I just waited in the line for 30 minutes to say Hi.
Vote: has 77.24 % from 116 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: life
No! You don't have "Bad luck". You have low IQ and you make bad decisions.
Vote: has 66.71 % from 15 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: insulting, life, stupid
When do cannibals cook you? On Fried-days.
Vote: has 56.86 % from 14 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: food, life
Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the dash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9…
Vote: has 80.05 % from 219 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: health, life, math, phone
If you majored in fine arts or philosophy, you have good reason to be worried. The only place you are now really qualified to get a job is in Ancient Greece.
Vote: has 73.53 % from 25 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: graduation, life, school, work
Did you hear about the blind circumcicionist? He got the sack.
Vote: has 72.71 % from 19 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: life
I went to a very beautiful place yesterday. There were blossoms, roses and bright sky like a fantasy land. I was so happy until some idiot woke me up...
Vote: has 65.19 % from 33 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: beauty, life, travel
Jeff and Mike are in a car accident and both die. Upon Jeff's arrival at the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter. "Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked. St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven." Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?" So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous blonde in a bikini, and also with keg of beer. "I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff. "It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it... and the blonde doesn't."
Vote: has 75.60 % from 54 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: beer, car, death, heaven, life