Never make the same mistake twice.
There are so many new ones, try a different one each day.
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Life is like a box of chocolates:
A lot of people can't stand the dark ones.
A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.
The boss asks him, "What do you think is your worst quality?"
The man says "I'm probably too honest."
The boss says, "That's not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality."
The man replies, "I don't give a shttp://unijokes.com/admin/h*t what you think!"
Doctor doctor I feel that Im a pack of card. What can I do ?
Doctor: I deal with you later.
I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it!
You never know when you might need a nail.
Terrorists take a group of lawyers hostage.
They ask for a ransom of $20 million and threaten to release one lawyer at a time if not given what they ask for.
A man was fishing in the jungle.
After a while another angler came to join him.
"Have you had any bites?" asked the second man.
"Yes, lots," replied the first one, "but they were all mosquitoes."
Q: How do you find Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony?
A: Look for sesame seed buns.
What did Mariah Carey really wanted to sing: "All I want for Christmas is you... to get hit by a reindeer."
My dick is too long and it causes some problems for me.
On the other day when I with my girlfriend went to cinema suddenly I had an erection so that the shadow of my penis was reflected on the screen.
Somebody from the corner shouted: "Mr bald sit down please we want to see the movie!"
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A man sits on a bus looking ashamed.
The man next to him notices and asks what is wrong.
He says that when he went to buy the bus ticket, the woman serving him had the most unbelievable breasts, so he got flustered and asked for two tickets to Tittsburgh instead of Pittsburgh.
The man next to him laughs, "Don't worry about that. We all make Freudian slips. This morning I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say, 'Pass the salt,' but I accidently said, 'You f**king bitch, you ruined my life.'"