Never make the same mistake twice. There are so many new ones, try a different one each day.
There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant. "It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out." "That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned. "Get my brown pants."
Our folk not only knows how to read between the lines but also how to leave a record between the eyes.
I want me a big black girl...the type of woman that sits in the car and it looks like it's got tinted windows.
Customer: "Waiter, do you serve crabs?" Waiter: "Please sit down sir, we serve everyone."
If I had my whole life to live over again, I don’t think I’d have the strength.
Kim and Kanye naming their baby North West is just like Brad Pitt naming his kid Arm.
What do you call a truck full of dildos? Toys for Twats.
Mexicans cross the border 1...2...and 4 at one time, never 3. why? Because the sign says - no tres passing.
What do you call a Labrador that becomes a magician? A Labracadabrador!
Abraham wanted a new suit, so he bought a nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a tailor. The first tailor he visited looked at the cloth and measured Abraham, then told him the cloth was not enough to make a suit. Abraham was unhappy with this opinion and sought another tailor. This tailor measured Abraham, then measured the cloth, and then smiled and said, "There is enough cloth to make a pair of trousers, a coat and a vest, please come back in a week to take your suit." After a week Abraham came to take his new suit, and saw the tailor’s son wearing trousers made of the same cloth. Perplexed, he asked, "Just how could you make a full suit for me and trousers for your son, when the other tailor could not make a suit only?" "It’s very simple," replied the tailor, "The other tailor has two sons."