Never make the same mistake twice.
There are so many new ones, try a different one each day.
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Q: How do you drown a hipster?
A: In the mainstream.
Like changing coins - I always desired to change my 60 old years wife to three 20 years girls!
Q: What did the sergeant tomato say to the slacker soldier tomato?
A: "You better catch up!"
A man goes to his doctor after losing a lot of weight.
"I feel great, but I have a problem, doctor.
I was so fat beforehand that my skin has stretched and stayed that long.
Is there anything you can give me?"
"Hmm, short of plastic surgery, there is only one alternative.
Please take off your clothes."
The man strips down.
The doctor pulls all his skin upwards and ties it in a ball above his head.
"But doctor -- now my navel is in the middle of my forehead!"
"True," replies the doctor, "and you should see what you have for a collar and tie."
How many Mafia hitmen does it take to light the bonfire?
Three, One to set fire to the effigy, one to watch his back, and one to shoot any witnesses.
An ideal man doesn't drink, doesn't snore, doesn't watch football, doesn't argue and DOESNT'T EXIST.
Q: How did the butcher introduce his wife?
A: Meet Patty.
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble.
He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket.
All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie.
He promised to send the driver money from home.
He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc...
The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"
"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks."
The businessman said, "OK," and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied,"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly. "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."