TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
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If kim kardashian was a donut wat kind would she be?
Chocolate filled.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap.
He was high on my list of priorities.
Chuck Norris can strum your pain with his fingers, tell your whole life with his words – but mainly just kill you softly with his song.
When do cannibals cook you?
On Fried-days.
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child.
If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back.
He would then arrange for child support.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Two with meatballs, one without."
I know when god becomes angry.
When teenage girls get pregnant and their parents exclaim, "Oh god! What have you done?!"
The Dove Bar's like an 80-pound wad of chocolate on a toothpick.
If you're not careful when you take it out of the package, you'll snap your wrists.
What was Forrest Gump's email password?
1forrest1
A French guest, staying in a hotel called room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!" came the reply
You're living, you occupy space, and you have mass.
You know what that means?
You Matter.