TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
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A teller at our credit union was assisting a member with a loan application.
"Do you have references?" she asked.
The member replied, "Do they have to be living?"
The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"And did he?"
"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."
Doctor: "You have trouble with your throat? Have you ever gargled with salt water?"
Patient: "Yes. In last summer, I was almost drowned while swimming."
Always be yourself!
Unless you can be Batman - then always be Batman
I know a lady who blew her man's jimmy off because he wanted to be down with O.P.P.
Now he down with No P.P.
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.
Two guys narrowly escaped from a sinking ship on a life raft and discovered a magic lamp tucked away in a dark cranny.
Figuring what the hell, one of the men gave the lamp a rub and "poof," a cloud of smoke.
A second later, a genie appeared and said, "I will grant each of you one wish."
After thinking a while, the first man turned to the genie and said, "I wish I were floating on an ocean of beer."
The genie granted the man's wish and disappeared.
The man's companion turned to him and said, "Way to go idiot. Now we have to pee in the boat."
Vote:
I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.
I said, "Are you two an item?"
One day, Bush was talking with Osama Binladen on the phone, they couldn’t trace from where the call was coming from, but Osama said, "I’ve got good news and bad news."
Bush replied, "What’s the good news?"
"I’m turning myself in," said Osama. "But the bad news is, I’m coming on a plane."
A Jewish guy got in a taxi cab...5 min into a ride the driver notice a man beating up a woman on the other side of the street.
The driver rush to the scene.
He open the door ran out as soon as he did that the Jewish guy roll down his window as fast as he can and shouted, "Stop it, stop it, stop the meter."