Joke #9719

Did you hear about the blind circumcicionist? He got the sack.

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

A Ham sandwich walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food."

If one drop of semen contains more life than a drop of blood, why don't vampires suck cock? Oh wait... Twilight

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. Suddenly, a man hollers at him, "I screwed your mom last night!" Disturbed, the man tries to ignore him. Again, he hears, "Your mom was good in bed last night!" Again, he tries to ignore it. The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says, "Dad, go home, you're drunk!"

Ignorance can be educated. Crazy can be medicated. But there is no cure for stupidity...

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions'

Q: Why is it good to have a Jewish car? A: It can stop on a dime, and pick it up for you too!

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know this, Sister?" "My Mother Superior told me so." "But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself" "Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life" "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know." The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?" "Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"

At a all-you-can-eat restaurant Josh came back to the table, his plate full for the fifth time. “Josh!” exclaimed his mother. “Doesn’t it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?” “Not a bit,” said Josh, “I just tell them I’m filling up the plate for you!”