My husband said he wanted more space. So I locked him outside.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Marriage is an institution. Therefore: marriage is an institution for the blind.
A woman come to a doctor, with bumps and bruising all over her body. The woman complains that it was her husband, who beat her. Doctor tells in surprise: "I thought your husband was out of town." "So did I..."
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”
A husband and wife are eating soup. The wife spills soup all over her and says: "Oh no, I look like a pig" "Yes and you also have soup all over you!"
Remember your wife is a romantic who still loves flowers and chocolates. Show her you remember as well by referring to them occasionally.
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea, let's pretend we're married." "Why not," giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."
A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time. "How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms and died." "Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died." "Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband." "He died of a broken neck." "A broken neck?" "He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
Q: Why did the married man sell his complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica? A: He didn't need them any longer his damn wife knows everything.
3 Stages of Sex: 1. House Sex - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house, in every room. 2. Bedroom Sex - After you've been married for a while and you just have sex in the bedroom. 3. Hall Sex - After you've been married for many years, and you just pass each other in the hall and say, "F**k you!"
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.