What starts with a 'C', ends with a 'T', and is hairy on the outside and moist on the inside?
Coconut.... What were you thinking?
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Superman was flying around Metropolis when he noticed Wonder Woman lying totally naked, spread-eagle on her bed.
He thought, "Hmm... I could fly through that open window and be in and out before she even knew what hit her!"
With nothing more than a rustle of the curtains, Superman was on his way, thinking, "Wow! She is really tight!"
Back in her bedroom, Wonder Woman sat up asking, "What in Amazonia was that?!"
The Invisible Man said, "I don't know, but my asshole sure hurts!"
Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
A: Sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
The matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her.
“I’m ashamed to bring this up,” he said, “but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants, he says, a sample.”
The woman was shocked. “Such a thing you ask a Christian virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman.”
The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, said, “He’s a pragmatic, man. After all, to him it’s not a big deal… just a sample.”
She thought a minute. “A pragmatic man, is he? So tell him I don’t give samples. I can give him 50 or 60 references, if he wants, though.
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
There were these two guys working late in a morgue, when one guy said, “Hey man there is a woman in there with a shrimp in her vagina!”
The other asked, “What is a shrimp doing a dead woman's vagina? Let me go see.”
Both of them went in the room with the woman, and they both curiosly looked.
Finally, the second man said, “You idiot, this ain't no shrimp it's a clitoris.”
And the other man replied, “Well, it tasted like shrimp to me.”
Q: What do you call Bin Laden when he lost his virginity?
A: Osama Bin Laiden.
Vote:
A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.
"Fellas! My p***y is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take."
A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her p***y.
The boots are sucked right in.
He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in.
He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look and he gets sucked in.
Inside he hears noises.
"Is someone else in here?" he asks.
"Yeah, I've been in here for a week," the voice says.
"Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here," the cowboy says.
"Hell," says the other man, "help me find my keys and we can drive out."
My kid and I were in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena, after looking to the man using the urinal to his right, my 6 year old son turns to address me on his left and exclaims, "Daddy, that man's wiener is a lot bigger than yours!"
The whole bathroom heard and looked immediately at me.
So I put my hand around my kid and told him "Well son, that's because daddy isn't aroused by men."
A Russian guy comes across a bottle of vodka on the street.
He picks it up and a genie comes out, "You are my master. You now have one wish."
The Russian man says, "I would like to piss vodka."
When the he gets home, he tells his wife to get two glasses.
She asks what they'll be drinking.
He tells her he can piss vodka and demonstrates for her.
It was the best vodka they'd ever had.
The next night the Russian guy comes home tired and tells his wife to get one glass.
She asks, "Why only one glass?"
"Because tonight," he says, "you should drink from the bottle."