Joke #5306

A wife to her husband: "Honey, what are you doing?" "I'm reading our marriage certificate." "What for?" "I'm looking for the expiry date..."
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For their 10th anniversary, a wife surprises her husband by wearing the lingerie she wore on their wedding night. She asks her husband what his exact thoughts were 10 years ago when he first saw her in the lingerie. He says, "I wanted to suck your tits dry and f**k your brains out." "Well, what do you think today?" He says, "I think I did a good job."
Vote: has 51.26 % from 174 votes. Send joke:

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My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
Vote: has 88.52 % from 152 votes. Send joke:

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I got married to Miss Right. I just didn’t realise her first name was ‘Always’.
Vote: has 50.89 % from 27 votes. Send joke:

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Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder: what the hell was I thinking? ‘Eighty per cent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.’ Jackie Mason
Vote: has 63.35 % from 73 votes. Send joke:

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A man walks into a crowded local bar brandishing a revolver yelling "Who’s been screwing my wife?" A voice from the back of the bar shouts back, "You don’t have enough ammo, mate!"
Vote: has 52.70 % from 314 votes. Send joke:

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Q: How can you tell if a University of Tennessee football player is married? A: There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.
Vote: has 43.73 % from 25 votes. Send joke:

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I know of no one who is happily married, except my husband.
Vote: has 88.86 % from 687 votes. Send joke:

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John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you? Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?
Vote: has 88.45 % from 244 votes. Send joke:

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A man was reading the newspaper during breakfast and said to his wife, "Look at this. Another beautiful actress is going to marry a baseball player who's a total dope! I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the hottest wives." His wife said, 'Thank you.'
Vote: has 88.83 % from 242 votes. Send joke:

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Husband: Knocks the door at midnight. Wife: Go back where you coming from! Husband: Open the door or I throw myself in the swimming pool! Wife: Go ahead and kill yourself, do you think I care? So the husband stands near the dark part of the gate and waits for 2 minutes, takes a big stone and throws it into the swimming pool. !!!!..Scheweew..!!!! Wife hears and opens the door and runs towards the swimming pool. The husband quickly sneaks into the house then locks the door. Wife: Open the door or I will shout!! Husband: Shout till all the neighbours wakes up and comes here. Tell them where you are coming from by this time of the night with only a panty and a bra!
Vote: has 88.26 % from 309 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, husband, marriage, time, wife