Joke #5307

Man: "What you have prepared to eat today?" Wife: "Nothing." Man: "But you did nothing yesterday." Wife : "I made it for two days."

On their 25th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Joseph was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Joseph, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Joseph responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

Hallmark would make "Sorry I don't remember your name" cards. If your girlfriend really needs to talk to you during the game, she'll appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time," would complete a break up. Birth control would come in ale or lager. Instead of an engagement ring, you could surprise your fiance with a giant "You're #1!" foam hand. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th, so it would only occur in leap years.

A husband and wife are driving along when they see an injured skunk lying by the roadside. They decide to take it to a vet but don’t have anything to carry it in. ‘Why not wrap it in your skirt?’ suggests the husband. ‘What about the stink?’ protests his wife. Her husband replies, ‘It’ll just have to get used to it.’

Q: What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket? A: Married.

A policeman on a motorcycle pulls over a car. ‘What’s up?’ says the driver. ‘Your wife fell out the passenger door three miles back,’ says the policeman. ‘Thank goodness for that,’ says the driver. ‘I thought I’d gone deaf.’

The results of in-depth studies have determined that the most often used sexual position for marriedcouples is the "doggie position". The husband sits up and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead.

A man asks his buddy: "Listen to me! Why has your wife left you, if I may ask?" And he says, "you know, she has told me that I am weak in the bed." "Oh, that is really sad. And what do you do to improve it?" And he says again: "you know, I have bought one book, the name of this book is Kamasutra, you know I am helping myself with the hand, I have learned all positions, but the last position I am not gonna make." "And what is the name of this position?" "You know, imagine the missionary position."

Q:What's the worst thing your wife can say during sex? A:Honey I'm home.

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court. "Mickey," the judge says, "I'm sorry. I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds of insanity. Minnie seems quite sane to me." "I didn't say she was insane," exclaims Mickey. "I said she was f**king Goofy."

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called the vicar who had married her. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I have had a dreadful fight!" "Calm down, my child," said the Reverend, "it's not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight!" "I know, I know!" said Joanna, "but what on earth am I going to do with the body?"