My wife came in complaining about me never lifting a finger in the house.
So I did - the middle one.
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Q: What's the difference between a divorce and a circumcision?
A: In a divorce, you get rid of the whole schmuck.
I fell in love with my wife at second sight.
The first time I didn’t know she had money.
While inspecting their honeymoon suite, the bride discovers a little box attached to the bed.
"What's this for?" she asks her husband.
"If you put a quarter in," he says, reaching into his pocket, "the bed starts vibrating."
"Save your money," she says. "When you're a quarter in, I start vibrating."
A girl started noticing a guy who stands in front of her home everyday in the evening.
She noticed the guy always comes mostly in the evenings and weekends.
The guy never tried to talk to her nor showed any gesture, he just moves here and there by looking into his mobile phone and occasionally stealing a stare at her.
It went on like that for a year and the girl understood the guy was in love with her but was too shy to express his feelings.
So, she told her parents.
They too saw him and liked him.
They discussed with her grandparents about a likely marriage.
But wanted her to make the first move.
The next day, she went to him and said, Hi. I'm Jada.
He said, Hi. I'm Smith.
Hearing this, the girl was very happy as the names were matching like Will Smith and Jada Pinkett.
The girl went on and said, I really appreciate your patience and decency.
You have been standing in front of my home everyday for about a year now.
So, I understand that you are in love with me but too shy to say it.
I think i really like you too and would love it if we get married.
The guy smiled and said, Forgive me sister! Actually your home's WIFI doesn't have a password. So, i come here every evening after work to use free wi-fi to chat with my girlfriend.
Q: Why did the married man sell his complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica?
A: He didn't need them any longer his damn wife knows everything.
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
He was in a position to marry anyone he pleased.
Unfortunately he didn’t please anyone.
John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?
A newlywed couple lay in bed one morning husband says: "How about you go brew us some coffee?"
Wife: "That's your job."
Hasband: "Says who?"
Wife : "The bible, it's on just about every page."
Husband: "The bible don't say anything about brewing coffee."
Wife (Holding her Bible flipping pages): "See every page Hebrews, Hebrews, hebrews."