My wife came in complaining about me never lifting a finger in the house.
So I did - the middle one.
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A man is talking to the family doctor, "Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf."
The doctor answers, "Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."
The man goes home and tries it out.
He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what’s for dinner?"
He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.
"Honey, what’s for dinner?"
Still no answer.
He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers,
"For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!"
Q: What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%?
A: Her wedding cake.
Q: Why did the married man sell his complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica?
A: He didn't need them any longer his damn wife knows everything.
If I've invested precious time and energy in a relationship, and I've been honest and open, hanging and coping, true blue, a good screw, to some fly guy who's out constantly getting high, then I'm dumped suicide is not one of my thoughts.
I'm thinking maybe homicide.
Vote:
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Marriage is love.
Love is blind.
Marriage is an institution.
Therefore: marriage is an institution for the blind.
Little Johnny: Dad, Is it true?
I heard that in some countries where arranged marriage is a custom, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries!
Father: Son, that happens everywhere, after marriage you find out everything!”
Vote:
I'm going to watch my wedding video later "backwards".
I love the end bit when she takes the ring off, goes back down the aisle and jumps in the car.
Q: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can't afford her own washing machine won't be able to support you.
A man walks into his bedroom after work and is surprised to find his wife lying naked on the bed.
After careful examination, he spies a pair of bare feet sticking out from underneath the curtains.
He rips open the blinds to find a naked man standing there.
"Who the hell are you?" he yells.
The naked guy replies, "I'm the moth inspector."
"Oh, yeah? What are you doing naked?"
He looks down and exclaims, "Oh my God, I'm too late!"