Joke #5403

A guy rings his boss and says "I can't come to work today" The boss asks why and the guy says "it's my eyes." "What's wrong with your eyes?" asks the boss. "I just can't see myself coming to work, so I'm going fishing instead..."

Rabbit: "Are you sure this bottle of special carrot juice will cure me?" Doctor: "Absolutely. No rabbit ever came back for another."

Yo mama's so fat, Godzilla tried to f**k her and fell in.

Q: What's worse than ants in your pants? A: Uncle.

My tomcat used to stay out all night, so I took him to the vet and had him neutered. Now he still stays out all night – it turns out he likes to watch!

Q: What is the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? A: One says "See you later" and the other says "In a while".

A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?" "Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?" "We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."

Q: Why did the ants dance on the jam jar? A: The lid said, "Twist to open."

What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air? A seahorse.

What do you call a neurotic octopus? A crazy, mixed-up squid.

Mommy Bear and Daddy Bear were in divorce court. The judge looked down and asked the Baby Bear, "So Baby Bear, do you want to live with Daddy Bear?" "Oh, no," Baby Bear replied, "I don't want to live with Daddy Bear. He beat me." "Well then, you should live with Mommy Bear," answered the judge. "On, no, I don't want to live with Mommy Bear. She beat me." "Well then, Baby Bear, who do you want to live with?" Baby Bear said, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears. They don't beat anybody!"