"Hey what's up?"
"Nothing much.. converting Oxygen into Carbon dioxide."
"How the hell do you do that?!"
"Breathing... Dude."
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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.
She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am", replied the man.
"How did you know?"
"Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more."
The man below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going.
You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems?!!"
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There appeared suddenly a crowd of many people in the street, because they caught a thief, who has stolen 500 euros from the grocery.
They wanted to beat him up, but Johny stayed still and told the people:
"who is without guilt, may throw a stone at this thief!"
Nobody wanted to throw a stone at this thief, becuase nobody was without guilt.
Suddenly one stone has hit this thief directly into his forehead and he has fallen down to the ground.
Johny asked: "who was it? Who was it?"
The Heaven has opened and the oldest archangel has s aid: "it was me!"
Too stupid to understand science?
Try religion!
Did you hear about the blind circumcicionist?
He got the sack.
There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt.
After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.
"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."
"That's very sensible, sir."
At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon.
The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.
"Get my brown pants."
Amazing unbelievable facts
1. Isaac Newton was alive before he died
2. It takes 60 seconds to make a minute
3. Albert Einstein was born on his birthday
4. Morgan Freeman is called Morgan Freeman because his first name is Morgan and last name is Freeman
In the town I have met one older woman, she told me: "if you give me ten euros, I will pray for your black soul."
I gave her the ten euros, became suspicious, didn't believe her and told her: "ok, but pray for me right now, not in the evening."
The woman has begun: "guardian angel, please, take care of my soul, forgive me all my sins and give me everything I need in my life."
I have asked her only: "for my money?"
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Always be yourself, unless you can be Chuck Norris, then always be Chuck Norris.
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I recently picked a new primary care physician.
After two visits and exhaustive lab test, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”
He asked, “Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?”
“Oh no,” I replied. “I’ve never done either.”
Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”
I said, “No, I heard that all red meat is very unhealthy.”
“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning, motorcycling, rock climbing?”
“No, I don’t,” I said.
He said, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?”
“No,” I said. “I have never done any of those things.”
He looked at me and said, “Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?”