Joke #55

"Hey what's up?" "Nothing much.. converting Oxygen into Carbon dioxide." "How the hell do you do that?!" "Breathing... Dude."

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 5-6 times, just to be sure.

Never make the same mistake twice. There are so many new ones, try a different one each day.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a beard by choice, even the jaws of life can't cut it.

Q: What gets wetter the more it dries? A: A towel.

An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in their home. "Just think," the old man says, "we were sitting here at this same breakfast table, naked as jaybirds, 50 years ago." "Well," the old lady snickers, "what do you say, should we get naked?" The two immediately strip to the buff and sit back down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady says slyly, "My breasts burn for you now as they did 50 years ago." "I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"

I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy." I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, "Okay, you're ugly too!"

At a all-you-can-eat restaurant Josh came back to the table, his plate full for the fifth time. “Josh!” exclaimed his mother. “Doesn’t it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?” “Not a bit,” said Josh, “I just tell them I’m filling up the plate for you!”

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But In the end, it doesn't even matter.

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a store opened next door with a huge sign that said, BEST DEALS!” To make things worse, another store opened on the other side with a huge sign reading “LOWEST PRICES!” He nearly panicked until he had the idea to put up his own sign, bigger that the other two, that read, “MAIN ENTRANCE.”