Life is all about mind and matter - I don't mind and You don't matter...
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Doctor: "And how is it going with your old ailment, Mr Smith?"
Patient: "Very well, I've been divorced for half a year now."
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T. S. Eliot measured out his life with coffee spoons.
Chuck Norris uses a backhoe.
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During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.
"You simpleton!" the officer barked.
"Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"
"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically.
"But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice.
And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches.
But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' - that did it!"
Chuck Norris is the meaning of life.
Too bad he's also the meaning of death.
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Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
Because he couldn't afjord a new one!
Mexicans cross the border 1...2...and 4 at one time, never 3. why?
Because the sign says - no tres passing.
Do you know what a plateau is?
It's the highest form of flattery!
Stevie Wonder recently told his wife that he wants to see other people.
"Do you know what the difference is between toilet paper and a shower curtain?"
"No"
"So, it was you!"
One day, Bush was talking with Osama Binladen on the phone, they couldn’t trace from where the call was coming from, but Osama said, "I’ve got good news and bad news."
Bush replied, "What’s the good news?"
"I’m turning myself in," said Osama. "But the bad news is, I’m coming on a plane."