Mother to daughter advice:
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
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"What is love, at last?" asks the dentist.
And the cardiologist: "Love is a toothache.. but inside the heart!"
A pastor was caught stealing in the church by a member of the church.
This was the conversation between them
Pastor: Blessed are those who see and don't talk.
Member: For they shall receive their share. Amen.
Too stupid to understand science?
Try religion!
Patient: "Doctor, I feel there are two of me."
Doctor: "Very well, I shall see you, one at a time."
Q: What is the most important rule in chemistry?
A: Never lick the spoon!
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a store opened next door with a huge sign that said, BEST DEALS!” To make things worse, another store opened on the other side with a huge sign reading “LOWEST PRICES!”
He nearly panicked until he had the idea to put up his own sign, bigger that the other two, that read, “MAIN ENTRANCE.”
One attractive young businesswoman to another over lunch:
"My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying."
I've recently got a stalker.
He's everywhere all the time.
And his thing is that he sends other people to profess his love for me.
So I can be walking down the street and all of a sudden a lady will appear screaming: "JESUS LOVES YOU."
Q: Wanna hear a joke?
A: Women's Rights.
Three men are sitting at a campfire telling stories about their great endeavors.
The first man talked about how to sucked out the venom of a snake and sucked it up with 50 degree alcohol.
The second man called it a circus trick as he has gotten 3 gunshots towards the chest and he but the guns in half.
They looked at the third guy wanting to hear his story.
Only to see him stroking his cock with the glowing hot coals.