Two eggs boiling in a pan. One says, "I've got a huge crack." The other replies, "Stop teasing me, I'm not f*cking hard yet."
One day a group of engineers got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. They picked one engineer to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The engineer walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost." God listened patiently to the man and after the engineer was done talking, God said, "Very well! How about this? Let's have a man-making contest." The man replied, "Okay, great!" But God added, "Now we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam." The engineers said, "Sure, no problem." He bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. Go get your own dirt!"
Their was a camel and elephant, the elephant said to the camel. "How come you have your t*ts on your back?" and the camel got offended so he told the elephant. "Well why do you have your d*ck on your face?"
Can I dock my rocket at your space station?
Guy: Can I buy you a drink? Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs. Guy: Do they swell? Girl: No. They spread.
Q. What do you call two lesbians with their period? A. Finger painting.
Been chatting to a 14 yr old on the internet. She is funny, s*xy and flirty. Now she tells me she is an undercover cop. How cool is that at her age!
A guy went to a casino and lost all 10 000$. Swearing for the situation he goes to a taxi driver and asks: I have lost all my money, please give me a ride back home for free. Fuck off, no money, no ride. The next day the guys come to casino again and this time he successfully won all the money back and 10 000$ extra. Hi goes out of the casino happily and sees five taxis, and the last car is the one, which refused to give a ride for free yesterday. He goes to the first taxi and says: Will you take me home for 100$ Sure! But when you take me there you'll have to do the blow-job as well Fuck off, man.. The guys goes to all next three cars and the story repeats. Finally he goes to the last taxi driver, who refused to help a day ago, and says: Will you take me home for 100$? Sure! Deal, but you have to pass through those other four taxi drivers very, very slowly.
Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out." "Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible". The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."
Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's fucking goofy!"
A woman walks into her sex thearapist’s office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and the rarely have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it? The therapist tells her that she has a new drug called Viagra that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give him one pill that night, and come back in the morning to tell her what happens. The next day the woman walks in ecstatic telling the therapist the viagra worked, and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills? The therapist replies she dosn’t know but says to go ahead and try it. The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist tha the sex was even better than the night before. She asks the therapist what whould happen if she gave him five pills? The therapist once again tells her to give it a try. The following day the woman comes back in LIMP BUT HAPPY, tells the therapist the sex just keeps getting better and better. She asks what would happen if she gave him the rest of the bottle? The therapists tells her its a new drug and she doesn’t know what a full bottle would do to a person. The woman leaves the office and puts the rest of the pills in her husbands morning coffee. A week later a boy walks into the therapists office and asks: "Are you the “idiot” who gave my MOTHER a bottle of Viagra?" "Why yes young man I did?" "Why?" "Well mom’s dead, my sister’s Pregnant, my A– Hurts, and Dad just sits in the corner going, 'here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty…'”