Two eggs boiling in a pan.
One says, "I've got a huge crack."
The other replies, "Stop teasing me, I'm not f*cking hard yet."
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This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated.
She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them.
"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."
Then she whispers, "You know that blowjob I promised you? Well, here it comes..."
This lady is on an airplane and is seated next to a man named Ian McKegney.
About half an hour after they take off, Ian sneezed.
He calmly opened his fly, took out his penis and wiped it with a handkerchief.
The lady was shocked but a little too shy to say anything.
About 15 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and then once more opened his fly, grabbed his penis and wiped it off.
The lady could not beleive it, and being to shy to mention it, she thought to herself, "If he does that again, I'm definitely going to mention it."
Well, guess what? About 10 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and proceeded as before.
She turned to Ian and said, "That is disgusting! Must you do that in front of me?"
Ian apologized and explained that it was a medical condition, "Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm," he explained.
"Really, what do you take for that?" she asked.
Ian replied, "Pepper."
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel stuck to the front of his pants.
The bartender asks, "Hey, doesn't that hurt?"
The pirate growls, "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts."
Boy: My magic watch says that you don't have any underwear on.
Girl: Well its wrong...
Boy: Guess my watch is 15 minutes fast
One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.
He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.
Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"
Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems.
The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem.
Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."
"Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old.
"Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation.
It's terrible".
The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems!
Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig.
The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."
What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians?
One hundred people who don't do dick.
Pr*stitute in the police station.
The desk officer sayes "so when did you realise you were raped ?"
She replies ... "when the cheque bounced !"
Girls are like biscuits - they are tough until they get wet.
Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex:
- You can GET chocolate.
- Chocolate satisfies even when it's gone soft.
- You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
- You can have chocolate in in public.
- If you bite the nuts, the chocolate won't mind.
- The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
- You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
- No need to fake your enjoyment of chocolate.
- Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
- You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
- You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
- Size doesn't matter - though more is still better.