A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
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Babe when I die I want you to cremate me, pour my ashes into a bowl of chili, and eat me just so I can tear that ass up one more time!
What's the difference between a condom and a coffin?
You come in one and you go in the other!
Sex is like math:
Add the bed
Subtract the clothes
Divide the legs and pray you dont multiply
Q: Why do rednecks like having sex doggie style?
A: That way they can both watch wrestling.
Little Sally came home from school with a proud smile on her face.
She told her mum, "Frankie Brown showed me his willy today."
Before mum could raise a concern sally said, "It reminded me of a peanut..."
With a secret smile mum asked, "Was it really small?"
Sally replied, "No... really salty!"
Nobody is born cool. Except of course, dead babies.
Friend pisses me off so I poked holes in his condom the night before he uses it.
Three months later... my mom's pregnant.
Success is like pregnancy.
Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND JOB: $10.00
He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks.
"Can I help you?" she asks.
"I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."