Three men were at a bar discussing coincidences.
The first man said, "My wife was reading A Tale of Two Cities and she gave birth to twins."
"That’s funny," the second man remarked, "My wife was reading The Three Musketeers and she gave birth to triplets."
The third man shouted, "Oh my, I have to rush home!"
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, "When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves!" 
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If women knew what men were really thinking, they'd never stop slapping them.
Boy will be boys but one day all girls will be women.
Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
Because they are tired of using their own.
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat?
Divorce him.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Women need a reason to have sex - men just need a place.
How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?
Q: How many men does it take to put down a toilet seat?
A: Who knows it's never been done.
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words.
"Cold floors," he says.
They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass.
They bring him back in and ask for his two words.
He clears his throats and says, "Bad food."
They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass.
They bring him in for his two words.
"I quit," he says.
"That’s not surprising," the elders say.
"You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."