Three men were at a bar discussing coincidences.
The first man said, "My wife was reading A Tale of Two Cities and she gave birth to twins."
"That’s funny," the second man remarked, "My wife was reading The Three Musketeers and she gave birth to triplets."
The third man shouted, "Oh my, I have to rush home!"
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, "When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves!" 
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Men are like......Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are
One day a man and a giraffe go to a pub they have a couple of drinks then on their way out the giraffe falls over and blocks the door the bar.
Man says "you can leave that lion here."
The man said "it's not a lion its a giraffe you idiot."
A woman arrived at a party.
While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."
"That’s a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore I chose 'Carmen'"
"What’s your name?” she asked.
He answered "B. J. Titsengolf."
Women prefer the simple things in life… like men.
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door.
One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions.
Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".
Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fell off.
A family went to a nudist camp for their vacation.
The young son came back to the tent and said, "Wow, Mom! You should see some of those girls. They've got these HUGE..."
"Yes, well," his mother sniffs. "The larger they are, the dumber the woman."
Next day the boy comes back to the tent again. "You wouldn't believe some of the guys out there. They have these HUGE..."
"Yes, well, like I said, the bigger they are, the dumber the man."
"Really?" the boy said, frowning with puzzlement. "We might be in trouble, Mom."
"Why, honey?"
"Because Dad's out there talking to a really stupid girl, and he's getting dumber by the minute."
Why do men want to vote for a female President?
Because we'd only have to pay her half as much.
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher.
The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed.
The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court.
The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that bull came home this morning."
What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."