An Irishman drinks at the pub until they close.
He stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He tries to stand one more time and falls again.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Outside, he tries to stand up and falls flat again.
He gives up and crawls the four blocks to his house, crawls up the stairs and pulls himself into bed.
The next morning, his wife stands over him shouting, "So, you've been out boozing again!"
"What makes you say that?" he asks, putting on an innocent face.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
Similar jokes
See also best jokes rated by other visitors or new jokes.
Chuck Norris lives in a Roundhouse...
And his favorite drink is punch...
Vote:
A drunk man comes inside a bar and says, "Happy New Year everybody." and the waiter says, "We are in June you drunk man."
And the drunk man says, "Oh my god my wife is going to kill me I have never been so late in my life!"
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered.
She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly towards him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.
He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house!"
A male driver gets stopped by police, and is asked: "Have you been drinking?"
The man replies: "Okay, yes, I have... how did you know officer? Was I swerving across the road, or speeding?"
"No sir," replied the policeman, "...nothing else can explain that fat ugly woman sitting next to you."
A pretty lady is standing on the side of a bridge, looking over it and thinking about jumping off.
A homeless alcoholic man comes up to her as he was walking nearby.
The lady notices the man coming and says: "Go away! There's nothing you can say to me to change my mind, you cannot help me."
"Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it" replies the man.
"No way, you're disgusting, go away."
The homeless man turns and starts walking away.
The lady thinks: "Is that all you were going to say to me? Nothing more? Won't you try to convince me that life is worth living that I should not jump off? Where are you going?"
The homeless man thinks: "I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm."
Vote:
Q: What does a shot of Everclear and a Woman have in common?
A: Both of them make men start talking nonsense!
He drank like a fish.
Which would have been okay if he’d drunk what the fish drinks.
What’s the difference between a bar and a g-spot?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 3000 BC!
A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "bartender, got any specials today?"
Bartender answers, "yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink invented by a gynecologist patron of ours.
It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."
The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?"
The bartender replied, "It's a "Pabst Smir."