Why do people like to borrow money in Alaska?
Because they have Fairbanks!
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When I graduated from highschool, I was so poor and couldn't afford college.
So my parents sent me to dog training school.
I learned a lot when I was there.
Sit, stay, roll over.
I haven't quite got the fetching part down.
They say I'm a little rough around the edges.
Applying for a job, a new lawyer was asked if paying back his law school tuition would be any special problem.
He replied that he paid it back right after his first case.
When asked how he managed that, he said, "Well, my dad sued me for it and won."
What do you call an Asian billionare.
Cha Ching.
The policeman tells Johny at the police station following:
"The thief who wanted to steal your wallet has got: a broken nose, three broken ribs, a concussion of the brain and he misses a bunch of his hair at the back of his head."Please, tell me Johny, how much money did you have in your wallet?"
Johny: "Only three euros."
The policeman: "Goodness! I suppose that if you would have ten euros in your wallet, the thief would probably not survive your self-defense-trial."
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When Chuck Norris gets nominated for the ALS ice bucket challenge, the bucket donates $1000 to ALS research.
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A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account"
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"
The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.
They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.
The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, "How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?"
"Just send an account for such advice" replied the lawyer.
On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 account.
That afternoon he received a $100 account from the lawyer.
The government recently noticed that it had too many generals in the army and offered an early retirement bonus.
They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between any two points he chose.
The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes 6 feet.
He walked out with a check for $720,000.
The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes 8 feet.
He walked away with a check $960,000.
When the third general was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from my index finger of the left foot to the thumb, that's it."
The pension man said that would be fine but "My God!" he said, "where is your thumb?!"
The general replied, "Back in Iraq!"
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Dick’s family were very poor – when the wolf came to the door, they ate it.