Wife:"I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband:"You have perfect eyesight."
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"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What?
Are you crazy?
The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Vote:
A woman applies for a job in a lemon grove.
‘Have you got any experience picking lemons?’ asks the foreman.
‘I certainly have,’ says the woman.
‘I’ve been married four times.’
She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight, you pig!"
Everyone in the bar stops and stares.
Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations."
To which the guy responds as loudly as possible, "What do you mean $200 for a BJ?"
A man and wife were having argument about who should make the pot of tea in the morning.
The wife told him that he should do it because he gets up first.
The husband said that she was in charge of the cooking in the house, making it her job.
The wife said that even the bible says that the man should do it.
The husband told her to show him and if it did he would make it.
She fetched the bible and opened up the new testament, showing him at the top of several pages that said "Hebrews".
Vote:
Q: What do you do when you see your husband staggering in the back yard?
A: Shoot him again.
A wife and her husband were sleeping, in the middle of the night, the husband farted.
Next morning the guy told his wife: "Last night I dreamed that I've bought a Mercedes!"
His wife said: "That is right and you tootled for me."
A married couple went out to a nice restaurant to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.
While driving home the wife saw a tear coming from her husband’s eye.
“Are you happy that we have spent 50 splendid years together?” she said.
He said, “No.
I was just thinking about our wedding and how your father threatened me with a shotgun that is I didn’t marry you right then he would have me thrown in prison for 50 years.
Tomorrow I could have been free!”
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his chequebook open.