An ugly bloke walks into a pub with a huge grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about ?" asks the landlord.
"Well, I live by the railway and on my way home last night I noticed a woman tied to the tracks. I cut her free and we shagged all night !"
"Did you get a blow job ?" asks the landlord.
"No ..." he says, "I never found the head."
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One day a Jew was giving an Asian a blowjob, then, the Asian said do you have homework.
The Jew said no and they continued the blowjob.
Adam was waiting outside for a long time before he decided to walk in.
He walked in to find the Jew getting it up the bum.
Adam decided he wanted to get some action too, so he walked up and took a swing at the Asian.
The Asian died and then the Jew yelled Aluakbah and bombed everyone.
Note: they were all boys.
Based on statistics, the most used s*xual position among married couples is doggy style...
The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.
My colleague said to me, "I bet you can't see your dick when you look down in the shower."
"No, just your daughter's head," I replied.
Received a call from a recruitment lady.
She said to me: "Sir I have two openings for you."
Me: "Yes I Know."
*Awkward silence*
She: "Asshole"
Me: "I prefer the other one."
Q: Why do nursing homes give Viagra to the old men every night?
A: It keeps them from rolling out of bed!
Vote:
A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and he says "I hope the porn is disabled."
The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."
Long time ago, in the land of Persia there lived a powerful king and his beautiful queen.
The queen was so gorgeous that the king's ministers were obsessed and craving to seduce her.
One day, the king got an invitation to visit the King of Ethiopia and left behind his queen and his kingdom.
Before leaving, he asked his three ministers to take good care of his queen and all his affairs during his absence.
All three pronounced their loyalty.
That night, when the queen was deep asleep the king placed a sharp blade inside her because he didn't trust his three ministers.
The following week, the king returned and summoned his three ministers to the palace.
He ordered all three to strip. To the king's surprise, two of them were penisless and the third was fine.
The two unfaithful ministers were immediately executed.
The king praised the third minister for his loyalty and asked him what he wished.
"Aaaah, aaaaaaaaah," he replied.
Chuck Norris sleeps with every woman on the planet once a month... and they bleed for a week.
A woman walks into a dildo shop to buy a dildo.
After a few minutes of looking around she approaches the clerk.
"Excuse me, do you have anything bigger?" She asks.
The clerk shows her a few items on the shelf.
"I'm looking for something bigger than those," she says.
The clerk pauses for a moment, "I think I might have what you're looking for, but it's expensive."
"Oh that's fine," she says.
The clerk leads her to the counter where he was sitting and pulls out a massive chrome cylinder.
"$500" he says.
"Oh wow," says the woman, "that is expensive, but it's perfect."
The woman hands the clerk $500 and happily leaves the store.
The store owner comes out and asks the clerk, "so have you sold any dildos?"
"No, but I sold my thermos for $500."